See, I'm Smiling
by indefenseof
Summary: Filling a prompt from glee angst meme: One of the mechanics at Burt's shop has been molesting Kurt for months. Shortly after meeting Finn, he goes after him too. This is mostly about the fallout.
1. Prologue

**Title:** See, I'm Smiling  
**Disclaimer:** Don't own 'em.  
**Warning:** potentially triggering. rated for sexual violence. also maybe some slash in later chapters.  
**Characters, Pairings:** Kurt, Finn, Burt, Puck mostly...maybe Kurt/Puck later on  
**Summary:** Written for this prompt on the glee_angst meme:One of the mechanics at Burt's shop has been molesting Kurt ever since he came out. Now that this guy has met Finn, he starts going after him too. This guy has Kurt's mind so twisted around that he views this latest turn of events as another person in his life preferring Finn to him. Burt finds out that it's happening to Finn somehow(Finn can't hide it as well as Kurt?) and it slowly comes out that it's been happening to Kurt as well.  
**Notes:** Title taken from a song from "The Last 5 Years"

* * *

The first time it happened, Kurt had fought back. He kicked and screamed and managed to land a good punch or two before a fist connected with his face, hard, and everything had gone black. He woke up to cool air against his thighs and rough hands stroking him gently.

"Look at yourself," a scratchy voice had said from behind him, the voice that belong to the arms wrapped around him, holding him still, "just look…you can't tell me you don't want this, I can _see_ that you do. The body doesn't lie."

Kurt had tried to argue but the blow to his head had left him dizzy and nauseous. And…he couldn't deny that something in him _liked _this, disgusting as that was. Hands too rough and the smell of old tobacco and a pounding headache and he had said no but…he came. Rough hands touching him so gently that he came. It was like it almost didn't matter that he had been crying whole time.

Jim smirked. Kurt couldn't see his face but he could tell, somehow, that the man behind him was pleased with himself, felt his smile as he pressed too soft kisses onto the top of Kurt's head, on the back of his neck. Kurt closed his eyes, waiting for it to be over, praying for it to be over. He didn't open them again until after Jim had released him from his death grip, until after he'd heard the man whisper "you'd better clean yourself up, your Dad'll be expecting you home soon," until after he'd heard an engine fire up and a car drive away, until after he could breathe properly again. And then he had gotten in his car, driven home, walked from the front door directly to his room, taken a shower, and gone upstairs to join his dad for dinner. Because he was fine, right? Because he had wanted it, right? Right. The stains on his new jeans were proof of that.

So he smiled and ate a second helping of the Chinese food his dad had ordered, even though he knew that the oily food would wreak havoc on his complexion, even though he really wasn't hungry at all. And when his dad asked about his black eye, Kurt had just shrugged and said that things had gotten sloppy at Cheerios practice and he had been elbowed in the eye. And Burt had believed him. Why wouldn't he? After all, everything was fine.

* * *

The second time it happened almost the same way as the first, except Kurt walked away with bruised ribs instead of a black eye. "We can't let your Dad catch on, now can we? Can't let him know that I'm the best a fag like you can do. That would be embarrassing for the both of us" had been Jim's explanation, almost apologetic as he gave Kurt another swift kick to the ribs, just to make sure that the boy wasn't going anywhere.

The third time, Jim had unzipped his own pants and forced Kurt to jerk him off because "It's only fair."

And things only escalated from there until Kurt regularly found himself face down on the floor or the back seat of a car, the older man pressed inside him, moaning horribly. And Kurt was still fine. Everything was fine. After all, he got off every time, Jim made sure of that, and that meant that he wanted it, right? Even sometimes when he woke up, drenched in sweat, Jim's face still behind his eyelids, making him cringe and shudder in the dark…even then. So he must want it, even in his dreams. His sticky sheets were proof enough.

And besides, Jim was right, he _was_ the best that Kurt could do. None of the boys in his school looked at him twice unless it was to threaten him or toss him in the dumpster like garbage. So he was on his stomach and he was fine. It didn't even hurt anymore, not really, at least not compared to the first time. And he didn't bleed anymore, now that Jim had started bringing lube with him "Can't have you bleeding all over everything, someone might see, and no one will believe that a queer like you finally got laid by Prince fucking Charming. Can't have anyone finding out, can we, even though you know you want this, don't you?"

Kurt didn't answer, until Jim grabbed his arm and starting twisting it behind his back, so hard he knew it would just snap if he didn't…"Y-yes" Kurt choked out.

Jim smiled.

* * *

Everyone noticed a change in Kurt, almost from the very beginning. It wasn't like he was breaking down all over the place, but there was something….off. He was maybe just a little bit quieter. Or, maybe he was more sarcastic. Or maybe his eyes were a bit harder around the edges. Or…well no one really knew.

Everyone, even Mr. Schue, came to Mercedes to figure out what was wrong, but she just shook her head sadly: "I don't know you guys. He hasn't said anything, but…I know what you mean. It's like he's not really there recently, just someone playing the role of Kurt. I'm worried about my man too I just…I don't know what I…what we can do."

And one by one the gleeks approached Kurt himself, tentatively, all putting a hand on his shoulder and assuring him that he can talk to them, if he needs to. And Kurt just smiled at each of them in turn, assured them that he's fine, that things are just a little hard at home (which, soon, they actually are because of the Hudsons moving in), that he will come to them if anything really serious is going on. Then he tells a joke and turns to leave for class, for home, for practice.

That's what he tells them anyway, but what he really does is go outside and lean back against the big metal dumpster, his knees tucked up into his chest, arms wrapped around himself, eyes wide open and staring. He doesn't cry. Because he's fine, remember, just fine.

He doesn't cry but he digs his fingernails into his arms, almost hard enough to draw blood, almost. Because he's fine, but he can't look at his friends concerned faces, can't look them right in the eye and lie to them without feeling…well, without feeling dirty, used, broken. But he doesn't cry, he doesn't deserve to, he wanted it after all. And besides, now when he's on his stomach, on the floor, his Dad is out watching a game with Finn and Carole, with his new perfect fucking family, and Kurt can't help but think _At least somebody wants me. _And so he doesn't cry.

* * *

But Finn does. A lot.

Several months after the Hudsons moved into the Hummel house, Kurt had walked down the stairs of their shared room to find a blubbering Finn Hudson curled up on the bathroom floor, shirtless and bleeding from a small cut on his forehead. It looked to Kurt like Finn had gotten himself tangled up in his clothes again as he was undressing to take a shower, so the smaller boy chuckled to himself as he walked towards the bathroom door.

But the closer he got, the more apparent it was that something was wrong, really wrong, with Finn. His eyes were unfocused and he didn't even try to cover himself up once it became obvious that Kurt was heading his way. And when Kurt had reached down to pat him on the back, a small gesture to show Finn that he was there, the larger boy had flinched away as if Kurt had burned him, still not looking at the figure crouched beside him.

"Finn," Kurt whispered as soon as he found his voice, "Finn, what happened to you?"

Finn just shook his head and started crying harder.

"Finn, you've got to breathe," said Kurt, worried now. "Is it…can I come closer? Just…you need to breathe Finn. Let me help you."

Finn nodded, so Kurt joined Finn on the floor, pressed his chest to the bigger boy's chest. "Now, just breathe with me Finn. Breathe."

* * *

The two boys stay on the floor together while Finn struggles to match the rise and fall of Kurt's chest. _In, out, in, out, in_ until he is no longer hysterical and Kurt feels like it's safe to sit up ask the question again:

"Finn, I'm sorry but...what happened to you?" he whispers, never taking his eyes off the bigger boy, his hands moving in comforting circles on Finn's back. Finn shudders, but keeps breathing and says, barely above a whisper, "You know Jim, one of the mechanics at Burt's shop?"

Kurt nods and forces himself to keep rubbing Finn's back, even though he knows what's coming next and he's already digging the fingernails of his free hand into his thigh.

And he keeps rubbing Finn's back as he tells Kurt about rough hands and tobacco breath, about being knocked out and waking up to the older man's mouth on his junk, about fighting him off and running back here, about how dirty he still feels, about how he hasn't moved from the bathroom floor since. He tells him, in a voice alternating between detached and full to bursting with emotion, he tell him and it takes all of Kurt's energy to keep himself from laughing out loud in relief _that's all?_ (or, alternatively, from being jealous because Jim had never, in all this time, given _Kurt _a blowjob) but somewhere inside Kurt knows that what happened to Finn wasn't something to laugh about, he _knows_ that it's a big deal, but he still wants to roll his eyes, to tell Finn to grow up, wants to tell him how much worse it could be, how much worse it is for _him_. But he doesn't, because this isn't about him. So instead, he holds Finn close and lets him cry all over his sweater. Instead, he digs his nails into his skin and breaks the surface, just this once.


	2. Chapter 1: Finn

Finn really appreciates Kurt's hand on his back, moving in small circles the way his mom always did when he got sick. He hadn't expected Kurt to be this, well, this kind. He expected the younger boy to laugh at him, to call him pathetic. Well…not really, but that's how he felt: big, strong Finn Hudson is curled up on the bathroom floor because he'd almost been…he couldn't even think the word. And that's pathetic. But Kurt is sitting with him, helping him breathe, making him feel human again. So he must be, right? Still human. Finn eventually falls asleep there, his head in Kurt's lap, Kurt's hand never moving away from his back.

When he wakes up, Finn has somehow wound up in his own bed, sprawled on top of the bedspread. Kurt's hand isn't rubbing his back anymore. In fact, Kurt is nowhere to be seen. The room is dark but the red numbers of Kurt's alarm clock assure him that's slept through dinner, which is good because he's not really hungry. He rolls out of bed and walks over to his dresser. On his way, he catches a glimpse of himself in Kurt's full length mirror. It's dark, but he can make out the edges of the bruise that has begun to form around the cut on his forehead. He shudders at the sight, at the memory behind the bruise. He wonders if that will ever stop happening, if he'll ever be able to look himself in the eye again. Finn knows it's irrational but he feels his chest tighten, feels himself start to cry _again_. He wonders if he'll ever run out of tears.

Just then he hears the door to the basement open, hears two voices, soft at the top of the stairs. One is Burt's, deep and growling. The other is obviously Kurt, but he sounds…exhausted. Finn frowns, trying to remember the last time Kurt had sounded anything but exhausted, but the voices at the top of the stairs are too distracting because, after a moment, Finn realizes that they're talking about him, about…_it._

"Damnit Kurt, you know as well as I do that if Finn fell asleep with his head in your lap that there's something wrong there!" Kurt doesn't say anything in reply, but Finn can imagine the death glare that he's probably directing at his father. "Kurt, look, I don't mean anything by it, you know I don't. But you also know Finn and you know…"

"Look Dad" Kurt says with a sigh, cutting his father off "…yes, there's something wrong with Finn. But no, I can't tell you what it is. That's for him to decide." And then, in a lower voice, as if he knew that Finn was listening, "I'll just go back upstairs…you talk to him."

Finn hears one set of feet retreating up the staircase, hears the door close, and then hears another set of feet walking softly, slowly down the stairs. Before now, he hadn't given any thought to telling Burt and his mom but…when things went bad you were supposed to tell an adult, right?

So, when Burt puts a firm hand on his shoulder and asks "Finn, are you ok" Finn doesn't hesitate before saying "No." And when Burt presses further, Finn only hesitates a little, takes a deep breath, and tells him the whole story. And as he talks, he sees Burt's face getting redder and redder, even in the dark. He feels Burt's hand gripping harder and harder on his shoulder, as if the older man is using Finn for support, to keep himself standing. And when he's done telling, Burt pulls him into a hug and tells him, over and over, "I'm so sorry" and "It wasn't your fault," once for every time Finn apologizes, once for every time Finn says "I should have been able to hold him off."

"No son, this kind of thing, it's never your fault." Usually Burt's use of the word son would have made Finn burst out smiling but now he can only look down at his feet, ashamed. "No, look at me Finn, look me in the eye. This is in no way your fault, ok? We're going to do everything we can to make it better, your mom and me, ok?"

Finn looks Burt in the eye and nods, slowly, uncertainly. "Ok."

"Let's go tell your mom, if that's ok with you."

Finn hesitates again, but he swallows hard and nods, because if Kurt and Burt didn't blame him, if they believed him, there's no way his mom wouldn't. And he was right: the pair of them walked up the stairs and Finn told his mom, in as little detail as he could, and now he is wrapped up in her arms and everyone's crying. Well, everyone except Kurt who vanished down the stairs hours ago, almost the minute he saw Finn and Burt heading up them. Finn looks over at the clock and realizes it's almost 2am at this point and he figures that Kurt had just gone to bed. He's been looking really tired lately.

* * *

The next morning, Finn comes upstairs to his favorite breakfast—chocolate chip pancakes—a note on the fridge from his mom telling him that she had called him in sick to school today, and a grumpy looking Kurt with a half eaten apple in hand. Burt wanders into the kitchen a minute later and greets Finn with another big hug and a "how are you feeling this morning son?"

"Fine…I mean, not fine. But better. Thanks," Finn muttered, still tired from his late night. "I, uh, I made a decision last night though. I want to go to the cops."

Burt raises his eyebrows and smiles warmly. "I'm glad Finn, you know, that's really brave of you."

Although he isn't facing the table, Finn swears he sees Kurt frowning out of the corner of his eye. When he turns around to look more closely, he catches Kurt mouthing Burt's words to his apple _that's so brave of you_ obviously mocking them. He has the same scowl on his face that Finn sometimes catches him making at his father's back when he makes plans to do something with Finn and not with Kurt. It's almost as if Kurt is…jealous or something. But that doesn't make any sense…something _bad_ happened to Finn and Kurt's jealous that his Dad called Finn brave for wanting to do something about it?

"What the hell Kurt?" Finn exclaims, almost involuntarily.

Kurt's expression immediately softens and he opens his mouth as if to say something, but no words come out. Instead, he stands up, throws the rest of his still only half eaten apple into the trash, and picks his keys up off of the counter.

"I'll be sure to get your homework for you Finn. I, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I just…"

But Kurt never finishes his sentence, he just shrugs his shoulders sadly and heads for the front door.


	3. Chapter 2: Puck, Kurt

**A/N:**

hey guys, that was fast. thanks for the reviews though, glad you like it so far! for everyone with suggestions, sorry, but this is actually at least 75% done already (at least that means fast updates right?). I'm mostly just putting it here so that i don't lose it in the abyss. but reviews are still really great and really helpful, especially because i still don't know how it'll all end. I myself am a pretty diehard kurt/puck shipper. but i don't know if it'll end that way. right now i've only written two scenes with the two of them and they're just friendship. anyway...hope you enjoy.

* * *

Like everyone else, Puck questioned Kurt about Finn's whereabouts that day in school. Unlike everyone else, Puck wasn't satisfied with the generic answer: "he's sick." Puck knows Finn better than anyone, and he knows that Finn wouldn't have missed their history exam that day for anything other than extreme circumstances (not because Finn was any kind of goody-goody, but because the test would have to be made up after school and Finn just didn't have time to waste on that). So, he pestered Kurt all day about it, but the gleek had refused to answer his persistent questions, eventually yelling "if you're so concerned about Finn, why don't you just go see for yourself!" So he did. Puck had climbed into the passenger seat of Kurt's car, buckled his seat belt, and he was now refusing to leave:

"Nope, you told me I should just go see Finn myself, and that's what I'm doing."

"But Puck, I didn't mean…"

"Then why not Hummel? What's so wrong that I can't come over and give my own best friend his homework?"

Kurt opens his mouth again as if to protest, then closes it and looks at Puck for a long minute. "Fine, but I have to make a stop on the way."

"Fine with me."

The two boys drive in silence until Kurt pulls over across the street from his Dad's shop. He turns to Puck and says, warily, "I'll try to make this quick. If I'm not back in 15 minutes…or, actually. Just stay here. I'll be back soon."

Puck only nods and pulls out his phone, starting a new game of Mario to pass the time. He briefly wonders if something is up because of the tone of Kurt's voice, but the smaller boy is back in the car before he's even died once and so he figures it's no big thing.

They ride the rest of the way to the Hummel-Hudson household in relative silence, which is broken only by the quiet noise of Puck's fingers punching away at the keys. He still hasn't died once by the time Kurt's car pulled into the driveway and so Puck keeps playing, even as Kurt exits the car and enters the house, leaving the door open a crack so that Puck can get in.

When he finally enters the house, Puck finds Kurt sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in one hand and a note in the other, reading. It's apparent when he reaches the end because he rolls his eyes, crumples the piece of paper into a ball, and flings it into the nearest trashcan.

"Didn't know you were a natural at basketball too," Puck jokes awkwardly.

Kurt looks at him, obviously annoyed, but then smirks and says, "There's a lot you don't know about me Puck."

Puck sits down at the table with Kurt but keeps eyeing the basement door warily, trying to silently ask Kurt's permission to go check up on his friend.

Finally, Kurt sighs and says, "He's not here Noah. No one is, just us. I don't know when they'll be back."

"OK then, I'll wait."

Kurt looks over at him nervously, working his jaw, perhaps trying to find the best words to use to kick him out. But Puckzilla cannot be deterred.

"Look, if you don't want me to stay here, just tell me what's up with Finn." Kurt doesn't answer, just stands up and moves towards the door to his room.

"Fine!" Puck exclaims, throwing up his hands in mock exasperation, "If you tell me, I'll make out with you." Still no response, but Kurt's pace has slowed, so Puck keeps pressing. "Fine, ok. Tell me and I'll do you. You can't be getting much action around here and, just ask anyone, you can't do better than the Puckster."

_Aha_ Puck thinks as Kurt comes to a halt, still not turning to face him, sure, but not moving away _must have hit a nerve_.

"What, you want to do _me_? Because while I'm all for experimentation, I just don't think…"

"Puck" Kurt says in a deadly whisper, still not turning around, "Shut. Up. You have _no_ idea…"

"No idea of what Princess? I mean, even I know that pickings for a gay dude around here must be slim…"

"Puck!" Kurt shouts, facing him now, "You wanna know what happened to Finn? Fine! He was _raped_ Puck, is that what you want to hear? Well, maybe not technically rape, I don't know exactly what Ohio's laws are about oral sex but…god Puck, you're such an idiot!" and with that Kurt turns around and practically flies down the stairs, leaving the door ajar.

Puck just stands there. He can feel his jaw hanging open but he can't do anything about it. After five minutes he regains control over the muscles in his face. After ten he manages to stumble his way into the kitchen and pour himself a glass of water. And after fifteen minutes pass and there's still no sign that Kurt had been joking, he finds himself walking slowly down the staircase into Kurt and Finn's room.

"I, uh, I'm sorry about…I was just joking…I didn't…"

"I know Puck" Kurt cuts him off, sighing, "I know you didn't know. You were just being you. I overreacted."

Puck just shakes his head but doesn't say anything. Kurt knows, somehow, that Puck's silence actually means _what happened?_ He must, because he says, "It was…it was Jim. One of the guys who works…worked for my Dad. Finn says he knocked him out and when he came to this guy was blowing him. They're all…Dad and Carole and Finn…they're all at the police station now. But…that's why I stopped by the shop on the way home. I wanted to see…but all of his stuff is already gone. No one there's seen him all day. Must have realized how bad he fucked up and skipped town. I should be happy, I know I should, but I can't help but feel…disappointed somehow. I wanted…oh I don't know what I wanted. To see him one last time maybe, as fucked up as that sounds…"

"So…let me get this straight. Some guy assaulted Finn and you are _disappointed_ that he's already packed up and left town?" Kurt just nods vaguely "What kind of sick fuck are you? Don't you care about Finn at all? Now I know I haven't always done right by him, but…that's low man."

Puck can see Kurt's mouth moving, but the smaller boy's head is bowed and he is whispering so softly that Puck can't hear him.

"Speak up, if you've got something to say for yourself, say it!"

Kurt looks up, apparently startled by the sound of Puck's voice, as if he had forgotten that Puck is in the room with him. Silence hangs heavy for so long that Puck starts to feel uncomfortable, like maybe he was a little too harsh _but no, Kurt deserved that, to be fucking disappointed that that creep isn't around, what is wrong with…_but the sound of Kurt's voice cuts through Pucks thoughts:

"It's not just about Finn, you know."

* * *

Kurt doesn't look up to see how Puck reacts. He simply crosses his arms over his stomach and digs the nails of his right hand into his left arm. He is so focused on the vague feeling of pain this creates that he doesn't hear Puck the first time he asks "What do you mean?" doesn't hear him until the larger boy is almost yelling again: "What the fuck do you mean Kurt!" Kurt just shrugs his shoulders.

He hadn't meant to break like that, not in front of Puck, not in front of anyone, really, but especially not Puck. He's just so…well, Puck. Years of being thrown into the dumpster by Puck makes Kurt now think that Puck merely tolerates him; he's always waiting for Puck to snap and go back to how things were before glee. And if he couldn't even trust Puck to not toss him in the dumpster, how in the world can he trust him with this? But, still, there is something surprisingly comforting about just how _blunt_ Puck is about this. Unlike Burt and Carole, he isn't pitying Finn, he's just…responding as a bro should. By getting angry. And right now, Kurt knows that anger is directed at him, that he's gotten himself into this situation and the only way to get himself out is to concoct some elaborate lie or…

"Jim and I, well…he…" Kurt manages to choke out "…for a long time now, half a year almost exactly." Kurt can feel Puck's eyes searching him, not quite understanding.

"Wh-what? You and him were a thing…or something? Because, yeah, I do older women but…"

"No _Puck, _we were not…I mean…I didn't…" Kurt looks up and sees Puck's eyes widen, staring at him.

"You mean, he did it to you too?"

Kurt shakes his head.

"Then what…?"

"He never blew me, if that's what you mean" Kurt says wryly "Just…just everything else."

And there is silence again, loud silence, the kind that is buzzing with so many words that neither one of them wants to say. Silence, until Kurt opens his mouth and starts telling.

He tells Puck about the first time, how it happened almost the same way it happened for Finn. He tells Puck about the third time, about the fear that weighed like a stone in his gut when he had felt Jim's erection growing behind him, when he heard the older man undo his zipper. He tells him about how strangely relieved he was when it was only a handjob, how fucked up he'd felt for that: _only a handjob? _He tells him about the first time Jim fucked him, how much it had hurt, how much he had bled. "I thought I was never going to stop, I…I was certain that I was going to die Puck." He tells him about the condoms and the lube, about Jim always jerking him off, about his dreams.

He tells Puck about how, after two or three months, it almost felt normal, almost. Except for waking up and not being able to breathe. Except for those times when Jim had been in a particularly foul mood and taken it out on Kurt, "I still…still have scars from those times. Once he, uh, he c-cut me. Here" Kurt says, absentmindedly running his hand over his upper, inner thigh. Normal, except for how dirty it makes him feel for days afterwards, how afraid.

"But, and this is going to sound really, really fucked up, I know, but…he, uh…he always wanted me. Me! And, um, I liked that I guess. Or something. At least, that's what kept me from killing myself once…a-after. I thought about how much Jim would miss me and…oh god, what the fuck is wrong with me Puck? And you know the worst part of it? The worst part is I'm jealous, fucking jealous, of what happened to Finn! I mean, Jim never…he never did anything but jerk me off with his hand and…that means he must have…must have liked F-Finn better. Like everyone else…"

Kurt stands up abruptly and walks over to his closet, rummaging around in it muttering to himself "God, what is _wrong with me_?" over and over until he finds what he's looking for and holds them up for Puck to see. A pair of jeans, stained with blood and semen, that obviously haven't been washed since…

"See Puck?" Kurt says just above a whisper "See? I…he hurt me Puck, but I still…I must have…" and Kurt wads the pants up in a ball and flings them across the room, then flings himself onto his bed.

For a minute everything is silent again, the calm after the storm. Puck still hasn't said anything, but, after a minute, Kurt hears him stand and move towards the bed that Kurt is curled up on. Kurt bites his bottom lip, hard, hard enough to draw blood. But he still doesn't cry. He feels the bed shift as Puck sits down on it, right next to Kurt, and he feels the larger boy's hand come to rest against his shoulder. And he knows, he _knows_ it's only Puck but…

"D-Don't. Please…don't touch me" Kurt chokes out. And then he starts giggling hysterically, thinking about all of the made-for-tv movies he's ever seen about abuse and now he's just laughing outright. Puck makes a noise that can only mean _what the fuck Hummel?_ but Kurt is too far gone to care.

"S-Sorry. I just…I just sounded like every fucking cliché…every Lifetime movie that's ever been made about… they all do that, all those women…'Don't touch me'" he mocks himself, until he is laughing so hard that he's crying.

And then he's just crying. And Puck has curled himself around Kurt, is whispering "It's ok" and "it's only me" and "you're safe here" until Kurt calms down, until he can breathe again, until the feeling of Puck's body pressed against him isn't even a little bit scary, it's just warm, and the sound of Puck's voice in his ear lulls him to sleep.


	4. Chapter 3: Finn

By the time Finn gets back home, he is exhausted. Yeah, he hadn't done anything at all that day, but he hadn't been able to sleep the night before and the process of reporting to the police was, well…exhausting. Especially since it didn't seem like anything tangible was going to come of it because there wasn't really any evidence against Jim. Finn had had to hold back tears when the detective that interviewed him leaned back in his chair and told him, as sincerely and apologetically as he could, that he was very sorry about what happened and that he would certainly call Jim in for questioning, but at this point it was really Finn's word against Jim's, and without a history of this sort of behavior, it probably wouldn't be enough to stand up in court.

The trio had gotten dinner at Finn's favorite restaurant; his mom and Burt had encouraged him to order whatever he wanted, but he wasn't very hungry and food wasn't going to make him feel better anyway. All he could think about was knocking back one of his mom's sleeping pills that she had offered to him once she heard that he had had trouble sleeping the previous night, curling up in bed, and going to sleep. And now that he's finally at home, he intends to do just that.

After rummaging through his mom's medicine bag and pouring himself a glass of water in the kitchen, Finn heads downstairs, quietly because it's late and he assumes Kurt is asleep. He's already pretty pissed off (because who wouldn't be, after everything?) before he walks down the stairs, but the sight of Puck curled around Kurt for some reason makes him furious. Especially because Puck is eyeing him warily, pressing his finger to his lips, telling him to be quiet.

Finn knows that this is a perfectly reasonable thing for Puck to ask of him, Kurt is sleeping after all, but Puck is _his_ best friend and he's never once shown that level of caring towards him. Not that Finn had ever wanted him to, that'd be gay, but still…it was _his_ time of need and here was his best friend comforting his almost-step-brother instead.

"What the hell?" demands Finn, as loudly as he can without going above a whisper, "When did you turn gay?" Puck just shakes his head and presses his finger to his lips again, pleadingly this time.

"I will not be quiet" says Finn, not even pretending to be compliant this time, "this is _my_ room. What the hell are you doing here! Get out!"

Finn knows that he's being unnecessarily abrasive, but he's so tired and, frankly, he just doesn't care about Puck's feelings at the moment. Puck just shakes his head, then nods it at Kurt and mouths, "I don't want to wake him up."

_Well, fuck that_ thinks Finn. First Kurt had acted like a jerk this morning and now his best friend cared more about Kurt than he did about Finn. _Okay, that really isn't fair_ thinks Finn _Puck doesn't even know about…it_. _But still…_

"Get out" Finn growls, although he doesn't really mean it, he hopes Puck knows that. He just wants…well he doesn't know really. Just wants Puck to see how much he's hurting and…offer to punch someone or something. Puck arches his eyebrows, but then sighs and complies.

Almost the instant Puck moves away from Kurt, the smaller boy wakes with a start, but Puck leans over and whispers something inaudible in his ear, and Kurt visibly relaxes. Puck takes the time to pull Kurt's comforter over his mostly sleeping form (which Kurt promptly pulls over his head) before turning and facing Finn.

"I, uh" Puck mutters "do you mind if we…can we take this upstairs? Your folks are asleep, right? I'm sorry, I just…I don't want him to wake up…"

Finn almost starts yelling again (because _why_ is Kurt the one who matters here?), but he decides to be reasonable. "Yeah, ok."

The two boys make their way upstairs and, once they get to the kitchen, Puck makes a beeline for the fridge.

"Sorry" he explains sheepishly "I haven't eaten anything since lunch."

After Puck has made a sandwich and offers to make Finn one, which he politely declines because the idea of food…ugh, the two boys are sitting face to face at the kitchen table, neither one wanting to say the first words. Finally, Puck gives in, because he knows what he has to say:

"Look Finn…don't get mad please, but…Kurt told me what happened. That's real fucked up dude. I-I'm sorry. Is there anyone you want me to take out for you? Cuz I will you know." Puck smiles weakly.

But Finn is not having it. "He _told_ you! What right does he have…"

"Finn," Puck cuts him off before the rant can really begin, "Finn, I _made_ him tell me. He, uh, he tried to keep me from finding out but, you know, Puckzilla never takes no for an answer. But I _am_ sorry Finn, really sorry. If you had wanted me to know you would have told me, I know. I just…I didn't think…"

"Naw man, it's cool. I, I do want you to know. That's why I was acting so weird about you and Kurt, I guess I just was annoyed cuz I really need a friend right now and I came downstairs and you were telling me to be quiet and…well since when do you and Kurt do that? And were you planning on telling me anytime soon!"

"Look Finn, I'm not…we're not together or anything if that's what you think. I'm a chick magnet, remember doofus? He just, he was upset," Puck says shrugging, as if his holding Kurt while he slept was the logical next step. Finn doesn't press it, he doesn't actually care he just wants… "So…are you ok man? I mean, I know you're not but…you know what I mean"

Aha. That's exactly what he wants. Sure, he feels like he's acting like a five year old but he really just wants Puck to show him that he cares about how he's doing.

"No, not really" Finn admits "I…everything's just fucked up in here, you know" he says, tapping his index finger against his temple. "I couldn't really sleep last night and I keep…it just keeps happening, over and over, in my head. Every time I close my eyes I think I'm going to open them to…" but then Finn stops, embarrassed, and looks down at his hands.

When he looks up, Puck is staring at the door to the basement and Finn thinks he's told him too much."I-I'm sorry. You probably didn't want to hear…"

"No, Finn," Puck says, cutting him off again, "No, don't apologize. I'm sorry, I'm listening. I just…I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry. I'm not much good at this feelings stuff, you know? Now, if you want me to pound any heads together, that I can do, but this…I'll always listen. You know that. I just won't know what to say." Finn nods, understanding.

So he keeps talking: he talks as the two open the fridge and pull out four of Burt's beers, just enough so that he won't notice, he talks as Puck produces a deck of cards and the two play poker for potato chips, he talks as Puck rummages through the rest of the Hummel-Hudson alcohol stash and pours them each a whiskey on the rocks, he talks and Puck stays quiet. But that's good. Finn just needs to talk. And when he's out of things to talk about (which takes a while because the two boys get progressively more drunk and, as a result, he gets progressively more chatty), he asks the one question that has been tugging at the back of his mind:

"So how did you force him to tell you?" Puck just smiles suggestively and wags his eyebrows. "Oh c'mon Puck, after ignoring my right to privacy I should at least get to know how you managed to break down Kurt's defenses…it might come in handy later."

Puck stops smiling and shrugs. "I offered to fuck him."

"Wait…what? How is that _force?_" Puck just shrugs again. "C'mon Puck, be straight with me."

"Look, I have to go. And…you two need to talk. He's, uh…he's probably still awake. And judging from the fact that you took a sleeping pill hours ago and are still awake enough to babble at me…it seems like you aren't going to sleep anytime soon either."

Finn is confused, they'd left Kurt downstairs hours ago, why wouldn't he be asleep by now? His confusion is apparently written all over his face though because Puck's expression softens and he all but whispers "just go talk to him" and then offers his fist for a fist-pound that Finn reciprocates before Puck turns towards the front door and yells "Later dude!" over his shoulder.

Finn frowns, because now the house is too quiet, because he knows that Puck is right, he probably won't get any sleep tonight. _Good thing tomorrow is Saturday. _


	5. Chapter 4: Kurt

Ever since Finn and Puck went upstairs (ok, really, ever since Puck stopped holding him but Kurt is too proud to admit that) Kurt has been too on edge to even attempt to sleep. Not that that's anything new, but it's still frustrating. Kurt had tried to fall back asleep, but almost as soon as he had heard the door click behind Puck and Finn, he knew that it was going to be useless. So he had turned on his lamp, rummaged through his bag, and pulled out the homework he had been given to do over the weekend.

Now, he's finishing the final few problems on his math problem set and chuckling to himself. As much of a cliché as his reaction to Puck had been, there was one thing the Lifetime movies didn't get right: ever since Jim he hadn't been sleeping, not really, but he'd needed something to fill the time. At first he had just watched a ton of mind-numbing TV, but he'd later realized that the level of thinking that was required of him in order to do his homework was exactly what he needed to calm himself down. Rows of math problems, pages of fill-in-the-blank questions, and even essays for English class had never before been so welcome. He might be fucked up, sure, but not one of his teachers bothered to ask about his odd sleep habits (he'd taken to falling asleep on his desk during class) because his grades have never been better.

_How's that for cliché _Kurt thinks to himself bitterly as he completes the last problem and returns his homework to his backpack. The problem is he now has nothing to distract himself with for the remainder of the weekend. Nothing except Finn's drama, which is hardly distracting. _Speaking of Finn_…Kurt sighs when he hears the front door slam shut, knowing that Puck will have given Finn some indicator that the two almost-brothers should talk, and Kurt _really_ doesn't want to talk. Especially not to Finn. And so when he hears the door to the basement swing open and Finn's footsteps on the top of the stairs, he quickly reaches over to turn off his lamp, and covers his face with his blanket, praying that Finn didn't see the light coming from his side of the basement just moments prior. No luck.

"Kurt!" Finn yells down the stairs "Kurt I know you're awake, I saw the light. I know you must be tired, but I can't sleep and Puck said…" the larger boy trails off mid sentence and Kurt, letting his curiosity get the better of him, pulls the blanket off of his head to get a look at what had distracted Finn so thoroughly. He's rewarded with the sight of Finn, swatting at the air, trying to grab hold of the string that will turn on the lights attached to the fan overhead. Half chuckling and half sighing, Kurt reaches over and switches on the lamp beside him.

"Oh," Finn says, surprised, "I…you really weren't asleep."

"Didn't you just say that you saw my lamp go off?"

"Yeah" Finn says, shrugging "I was lying. I just wanted to talk and Puck…" he drifts off again as he makes his way over to his own bed and drops to his knees, looking, Kurt assumes, for something to sleep in. _Shit_ Kurt thinks, panicking. He'd forgotten about…

"Uh Kurt? What are these?" Finn asks, holding up Kurt' still wadded up but obviously blood-stained jeans.

"I, uh, jeans?" Kurt responds, hoping Finn won't press.

"I see that. But, I mean, why are they…why are they bloody?" _I really should just tell him_ Kurt thinks warily _but…_

"Um…it's not blood…it's just…ketchup" Kurt lies, now _really_ hoping that Finn won't press, but just in case… "Yeah…some jerk at school thought it would be funny to douse me in ketchup today instead of the usual Slushie. That's…that's why I was upset. Like Puck said. T-those are $250 jeans."

"Oh," is all Finn has to say to that as he throws the jeans back to Kurt's side of the room. "Sorry, that sucks." Kurt shrugs.

"Could've been worse." After a long pause he speaks up again "So…you wanted to talk?"

"Yeah, I guess, maybe. Puck just made it seem like there was something really important in all this that we should talk about." Kurt flinched. He had known that Puck would try to get him to confess to Finn but he really didn't want…

"I don't think he was talking about anything specific," Kurt lies again. "I, um, I had just been telling him how sorry I was for acting the way I did this morning. Maybe that's what he meant…?"

"Oh. It, it's ok man. I know you didn't mean anything by it. I get how hard it's been around here for you lately. But, that really wasn't cool. I guess, I'm just not doing too good and it felt like you didn't care about that…or something. Man, that sounded gay. No offense."

"None taken. And yeah, I get that. I was just…" _preoccupied by the fact that everyone is cooing over you because you got a little roughed up by the guy who has been raping me for the past half a year…ok Kurt, that's not fair _"…a little cranky. Haven't been sleeping too well lately."

And although he knows he's not telling the whole truth, Kurt is proud of himself for telling part of the truth. And, for thinking that word…rape. He'd never been able to think of it that way, before he could apply it to what happened to Finn first. _But maybe it wasn't…I mean, you liked it, remember? Liked it so much that you went to find him today. God, what the fuck is wrong with you?_ Kurt shudders imperceptibly and forces himself to focus on what Finn is saying:

"….was a little cranky too I guess. I didn't sleep at all." Kurt nods with feigned empathy.

"That's understandable," Kurt says while digging around in his backpack for _aha!_ "Here, try taking this. It's herbal so it shouldn't matter that you've already taken one of your Mom's pills," he says, walking over to Finn with a capsule in his hand.

It's not actually herbal, but it's a prescription pill he bought off of Sandy that he's sure will knock Finn out immediately. A win-win for both of them. Finn accepts it thankfully and within minutes the larger boy is snoring away, leaving Kurt alone with his thoughts again. He sighs and searches through his bag for another of the white pills and swallows it dry. He climbs into bed and turns off the light. It takes him longer to finally drift off than it does Finn, but by the time the clock hits 2:30am he's out. A record recently.

* * *

But when Kurt wakes up, Finn is still snoring and his clock insists that it's only 6:03. Kurt sighs, but gets out of bed and quietly searches for a pair of running shorts and his shoes. By 6:10 he's out the door.

His grades aren't the only thing that have improved in the past handful of months. He's also taken to going on early morning runs despite his almost constantly aching body (because what else is he going to do at 5:30am before it's time to get ready for school?) and uses this, in combination with Sue Sylvester's diet plan, to explain to everyone why he's been losing weight. Really, it's because of the running and the fact that he can't stomach food more than half the time, but nobody needs to know that. Besides, these morning runs calm him, something about the steady rhythm of his feet on the sidewalk and being the only person out and about. He likes the quiet.

But this morning the quiet is too conducive to reliving that night's dream over and over again. It was just the usual Jim dream, but this time it wasn't him face down on the concrete floor…it was Finn. And Finn wasn't crying like Kurt always does (did?). No, he's moaning away, asking Jim for more. It makes Kurt sick. _You're sick_ his conscience chimes in. _You're sick you're sick you're sick_ over and over again, to the rhythm of his footsteps.

When he returns home, Finn is still snoring, so he jumps into the shower, gets dressed and heads back upstairs, all as quietly as he can manage. Upstairs he is met with the sight of his Dad reading the paper, cup of coffee in hand, and Carole in the midst of preparing Finn's second favorite breakfast, French toast. Kurt rolls his eyes and makes his way over to the coffee pot, pouring himself a cup, and then pulls an apple out of the fridge and sits down.

"Morning son. Do you know how Finn is doing this morning?" Kurt just shrugs. "You know I don't know what that means."

Sighing audibly, Kurt responds, "He's still asleep. Snoring. That sleeping pill must have worked wonders."

"Oh. That's a good sign. They're not very strong, those things. Maybe we shouldn't get him a prescription for stronger meds after all" Carole chimes in.

Kurt just shrugs again, and then, thinking better of it (because he can't keep drugging Finn up, he needs the pills he has, even if they only get him 4 hours of sleep) says, "No, that might still be a good idea…I think he took two."

"Oh. Ok. Thanks for letting me know…I guess we'll try to make an appointment for Monday."

"So…was that you I heard up so early?"

"Yeah dad. I went for a run."

"You've been doing that a lot I guess. Just…watch yourself. You've been getting really skinny lately Kurt. Anything, uh…anything you need to talk about?" Burt asks, awkwardly. Kurt knows that's his Dad's way of making sure he doesn't have an eating disorder (which, hey, maybe he does, but that's really not the point). They'd had a similar conversation after Kurt had come home crying about Sue's characterization of his hips and had refused to eat anything but celery sticks for a week.

"N-no dad. I'm fine. Promise."

Burt looks him over and then, seemingly satisfied, nods once and turns back to the paper. Kurt wants to grab the paper away from him, tear it into shreds, and yell at his father to look at him more closely, because he is obviously _not_ fine. But he settles for throwing out the remaining apple and retreating to his room, slamming the door behind him. Which turns out not to be a good idea, because within minutes, Burt is down there giving him a death glare, whispering about how he's going to wake Finn up. And soon Kurt is yelling about how he doesn't care whether or not Finn wakes up because he hasn't slept for longer than 4 hours for the past six months and no one seems to care about that. And once he starts yelling he can't stop.

He yells about how much weight he's lost recently how he hasn't been able to keep food down for so long that he's practically stopped eating all together. He yells about his late nights and early morning runs. He yells about waking up from dreams screaming, about how Finn never notices. He yells about chocolate chip pancakes and French toast and football games and hoagies. He yells about everything he can think of, everything except the one thing he knows he's actually yelling about.

He yells himself hoarse and when he can't yell anymore he starts to cry. And cry. And cry. And he knows that his Dad must be angry and confused, but he feels strong arms wrap around him, so he keeps crying into his dad's stupid, soft flannel shirt.

Finn just keeps snoring.


	6. Chapter 5: Burt

Now, Burt knows that things have been less than perfect for Kurt recently. He's seen the way that Kurt looks at him when he makes plans to go to ball games with Finn. He'd noticed the early morning running, the lack of appetite, the dark circles under his eyes. Sure, he'd even noticed that his kid seemed to be shrinking away into nothing. But Kurt had told him that it was all a part of his coach's training regimen, and Burt had (mostly) believed him because he remembers the hell that some of his coaches put him through when he was a boy. And besides, he's seen Sue on the television and that woman is terrifying.

So it wasn't like he hadn't noticed all of the things that Kurt had been yelling about just moments prior, but he hadn't thought much of it. But now his kid is sobbing in his arms (something he hasn't done since…well maybe ever, not like this) and so Burt knows that something is really wrong, something bigger than Kurt's ridiculous suspicion that Burt loves Finn more, a boy he's known for all of a minute in comparison. He sighs and looks cautiously over at Finn, who has rolled over but is still snoring away. Burt's glad that Kurt seems to have finally decided to let him in, but he just wishes that this whole thing didn't have to come to a head now, just two days after Finn has gone through such an ordeal.

Kurt seems to have noticed that Burt's attention has wandered back to Finn, because he too turns his head to stare at the sleeping boy. Trying to open the floor back up for conversation, Burt forces a chuckle and says "Can't believe he's still sleeping, he must have gone a little overboard with those pills." Kurt stiffens in his arms… "Son, I was only joking…he's probably just really tired" and he feels Kurt relax again, still not saying a word.

"Ok buddy, how about we go for a drive? It's been a while since it's been just the two of us, yeah?" Kurt shrugs, pauses, and then nods, making no move to pull away from Burt. And when Burt loosens his grip on his son, he hears Kurt whimper, so he does the only think he can think to do, carry him.

He lifts Kurt up bridal style and Kurt automatically wraps his arms around Burt's neck and buries his face into the crook of his neck. Burt sighs _God, he is so tiny._

"You know Kurt, you're too old for this kind of thing," another failed attempt at a joke. Kurt still doesn't respond.

Burt navigates the pair of them up the stairs. Carole frowns in confusion at the sight, but Burt just shakes his head and mouths "I'll tell you about it later" before walking out the front door.

* * *

He deposits Kurt in the passenger seat, and then walks around to the driver's side and gets in. He turns to Kurt and starts to ask him where he wants to go, but thinking better of it, just starts the engine and drives off to their favorite ice cream place.

"You wanna come in with me kid?" No answer. "You gonna be ok by yourself for a sec?" Kurt shrugs. Burt takes that as a yes, so he gets out of the car and orders two ice cream sundaes to go: hot fudge, whipped cream, no cherries. Then he walks with the brown paper bag back to the car, deposits it in Kurt's lap, and takes off again. This time he knows exactly where they're headed.

Almost every hard conversation between the two Hummels has taken place in the grave yard, next to Lily's grave. Burt doesn't understand exactly why; at first the two of them had just been desperate to hold on to her memory and so had tried to keep her up to date. Now they do it out of habit. Maybe it just serves as a reminder that, after losing her, everything else is automatically something they can survive.

Normally they park outside of the gates and walk in, but this time Burt pulls up in front of her tombstone (he really doesn't think he can carry Kurt all the way up the hill) and opens his door. By the time he makes it around to the other side of the car, Kurt is already on the ground, leaning against Lily's stone, the bag of ice cream clenched in his hands. Burt shakes his head, smiles, and reaches down for the paper bag in his boy's hands. He pulls out one of the sundaes and a spoon and hands it to Kurt.

"Here, eat up. It's mint, your favorite. And I don't want to hear anything about this messing up your figure or whatever. You…you're skinnier than you mom was in the end and it's scaring the crap out of me."

Kurt, eyes wide, obediently takes the lid off of the sundae and lifts a spoonful of whipped-cream to his mouth. Burt nods in approval.

"Ok. Now talk."

But Kurt doesn't. The two sit in silence for what feels like hours, but Burt doesn't give in. He just waits patiently. In the meanwhile, Burt's ice cream disappears and Kurt's melts, mostly. Kurt sits there and plays with the blades of grass around his mother's grave and Burt sits there and watches. Finally Kurt speaks:

"I know you think I'm being horribly selfish about this whole Finn thing, especially now. Sorry…I-I can try harder."

"So this _is_ about Finn?"

Kurt nods. Then shakes his head. Then he just shrugs.

"So…it's kind of about Finn?"

Nod.

"Anything else it's kind of about?"

There's another long pause and Burt is worried that it'll turn into another hour long wait, which he really doesn't have time for. _We should be getting back soon…I don't want to leave Carole and Finn alone for too long after he wakes up_.

"Kurt, buddy, if you're not going to…" But he trails off when he sees Kurt close his eyes and take a deep breath.

"It's…Jim" Kurt whispers, his voice shaking almost as much as his hands, which are furiously uprooting all of the grass in the vicinity. Burt feels his insides clench up in rage.

"Did he touch you too?" growls Burt _that sick bastard…oh, when I get my hands on him…_ and Burt is so wrapped up in his own fantasies of the bodily harm that he's going to inflict on that bastard who hurt his kid, his kids, that he almost doesn't register Kurt's quiet response.

"More than _touched_."

"What did you say?"

"I said…he…more than touched me" Now Burt is seeing red.

"What did he do kid? You…I'm sorry…you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Kurt shakes his head and then takes another deep breath.

"He…everything. He did everything…well, basically."

Burt wants to ask for clarification, not because he can't imagine what 'everything' means, he just _really_ hopes that's not what Kurt means. But he stays quiet because he sees Kurt's jaw working, getting ready to keep talking, probably deciding how much to tell. Kurt has always tried to protect him too much, especially because it meant that Burt never got a chance to protect his son.

"I…he…_everything _Dad. It started out like what happened to Finn but then…h-he made me touch him. And…" Kurt pauses and Burt isn't sure he wants to hear what comes next, he's sure he can handle it _but Kurt lived it, the least you can do is hear about it._

"…he f-…he hurt me Dad. The first time…there was so much blood…t-too much." And that's all it takes. Burt pulls a sobbing Kurt into his lap and cradles him against his chest.

"Hey, hey. It's ok now, you're going to be ok. You hear me? I'm never going to let him, or anyone, hurt you again. Got it?" Burt feels Kurt nod against his chest. "But, buddy, you've got to tell me things. Why didn't you tell me? I would have broken his neck ages ago, saved you a lot of hurting."

Kurt's voice is trembling and thick with tears: "I…it almost didn't seem…so bad… before. W-who else was I going to find who…who wanted me like that? I-I'm a fag remember, and this is Lima, Ohio. At least…at least he didn't think the gay was catching." Burt's stomach turns at his son's attempt at a joke.

"Kurt…you know that…that's not funny, right?" Kurt just shrugs. Burt realizes that Jim has gotten Kurt's head all turned around because Kurt actually seems to believe what he's saying makes any sense.

"I know…I know it's hard here for you Kurt. But just because…that doesn't make what Jim did ok."

"I know but…"

"But what?"

"There's a difference between knowing something and feeling it. And I _know_ that it wasn't ok. More than that. It…he _raped_ me, but I _feel_…well what I feel is fucked up, I know, but I can't help but feel it."

Kurt half-giggles and half-sobs and Burt tightens his hold on his boy, seeing for the first time in months exactly how, well, how broken Kurt is, how deep the fault lines run.

"What do you feel Kurt?" hoping for words like angry, violated, scared…simple words, words Burt at least kind of knows how to deal with. Instead:

"Right now? I feel jealous, abandoned, pathetic. Exhausted."

"Well, that last one I can do something about. How about we go home, order food from that Thai place, and watch one of those girly…I mean…one of those movies you like?" Kurt sighs and shakes his head.

"You know…I'm not Finn. Food doesn't fix everything."

"I know, and on Monday we're going to the police department to report that bastard again and we'll take it from there, one step at a time, ok buddy? But, right now, I'm doing what I know how to do. Food and television. And besides, when are you ever going to get me to watch one of those movies with you again willingly?"

"Well…every cloud has a silver lining I suppose. Ought to get myself raped more often." Burt cringes.

"Kurt..."

"I'm just joking Dad."

"Well stop it."


	7. Chapter 6: Kurt

That night was a quiet one; each parent retreated to a separate corner of the house to take care of a hurting kid. The Hudsons played video games downstairs and the Hummels curled up on the couch in front of the TV. But, before she had gone down to meet her son who was busy hooking up the console, Carole had given Burt yet another questioning look and he had responded with a simple nod. Kurt couldn't help but notice how absolutely helpless they each looked.

The pair of Hummels got through a record 3 chick-flicks without too much protesting from Burt, but it would go down in the record books as 2.5 at most because, long before the third film ended, the two were both fast asleep. Burt had the reclining part of the sofa stretched out to full capacity and Kurt was curled up against his side, head in his father's lap.

The next morning, Kurt wakes up early, as usual, and goes downstairs to find his running gear. When he gets outside and starts running, Kurt can't help but take note of how different his body feels today. It's been over a week since his last…encounter with Jim and so he isn't feeling nearly as achy as he's used to. The lack of pain, combined with the vague feeling that he's not running away from anything anymore, makes Kurt feel almost…normal. He'd forgotten what normal feels like, but maybe this is it; only the burn in his thighs as he hits mile 5, the sting of cool air in his lungs.

When he returns home, Carole is already busy preparing breakfast (banana pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs). He takes a quick shower and then heads back upstairs. Carole is still the only one in the kitchen and she only smiles at him sadly when he makes a beeline for the fridge and pulls out a grapefruit to go with his coffee.

"How are you doing this morning Kurt?"

"I-I assume my Dad told you about…yesterday."

Carole just nods and pours another round of batter into the pan. Kurt slices his grapefruit in half, pulls a spoon from the drawer and then clears his throat;

"I, um…have you told Finn?"

Carole shakes her head. "We figured that was a conversation the two of you needed to have on your own time."

"Thanks. And…um…I'm f-…I mean. I went running this morning. 6am. Little over eight miles. But it only hurt the way it's supposed to. I'd forgotten what that feels like."

Carole reaches over and squeezes Kurt's hand and the two fall into the motions of early morning in a comfortable silence. Carole flips the pancakes and Kurt pulls the coffee beans out of the freezer.

* * *

Later that day Puck comes over and the three boys are playing video games in the basement. The same inane fighting game Puck and Finn are always playing. Kurt, normally, rolls his eyes and joins in only after a healthy dose of teasing, but today he's actually getting really into the game. Now he understands why the first thing Finn does when he's had a bad day is come down here and attach himself to the screen; something about beating up gross, dirty, pixilated men is oddly therapeutic.

While his character on screen is shooting some goblin looking thing, Puck clears his throat and asks, "You two talk yet?"

Kurt shakes his head at the same time that Finn says "Yeah. Kurt apologized. It's all cool."

Finn's guy almost gets hit.

"Apologized?"

"Yeah, he told me…"

"That's not what he means Finn," Kurt says, jumping on the screen and cutting Finn off in real life.

"Then what…?"

"Jim."

Finn's guy _does_ get hit this time and Finn in real life swallows audibly.

"W-What about him?"

"He, uh, he did me too," Kurt says, not taking his eyes off of the game, so he notices that Finn's character comes to a complete halt; Finn is obviously not operating the controller anymore. Kurt sighs.

"Y-you mean…why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't have…"

"Well, you were curled up on the bathroom floor in my arms. Hardly seemed appropriate."

Something on the screen explodes. Finn's character still isn't moving, and for some reason it's really annoying Kurt.

"C'mon Finn, you have to play." But Finn isn't done:

"Yeah, but…it had to have happened before right? Why…"

"Look, Finn," Kurt snaps, finally looking away from the screen, "when it started, I barely knew you. And by the time everything between us was good…I just…couldn't."

"When it…you mean…more than once?"

Kurt just nods, eyes back on the game. "

What…what did he…?"

"Please Finn, just play the game."

"For how long? Can you at least answer that?"

"Six months," Kurt responds, not missing a beat, "give or take a of couple days."

The trio resumes playing in silence and Kurt thinks that the interrogation is finally over. But after a few minutes Finn flings down his controller and explodes.

"You know…that's real selfish of you Kurt. You should have told someone, your Dad at least. Then Jim would have gotten in trouble way before now…"

"…and you would have never gotten hurt, is that it? Gee Finn, I'm sorry that my reluctance to be 'that gay kid who was so desperate that he let an old slimebag do him up the ass' in this shithole town inconvenienced you. Know what? I promise you that the next time somebody is abusing me, my first thought will be to protect _you_" Kurt says, icily. But just a moment later he tears his eyes away from the screen and says, softly "Finn. I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just…"

"No…I…that was my bad too."

"If I had known that he would actually…I would have told Finn, I promise. I just never thought…I thought he'd be satisfied with just me, especially because he…got whatever he wanted. Without too much of a fight….after a while."

Kurt sees Finn flinch at his words, as though he's finally processing what Kurt's saying.

"I, uh…all those nights you were whimpering in your sleep…were they all…?"

"Yeah."

"God. I am so sorry Kurt."

"It wasn't your fault."

"Yeah but I should've…I _heard _you. I should have known."

"Finn, I made sure nobody knew. I…I wouldn't have told you the truth anyway."

Just then Puck clears his throat and the two boys turn to look at him.

"Are you ladies going to finish this game or what?" Puck jokes, obviously uncomfortable with the situation. As if reading each other's minds, Kurt and Finn shake their heads and simultaneously pounce on Puck.

After a minute, Kurt sits back and watches the two bigger boys mock-wrestle on the sofa, making sure to move the controller cords out of the way so they don't accidently knock the console to the ground. Kurt wedges himself into the very corner of the couch, tucks his knees up to his chest, and bites the inside of his lip, drawing blood. But he's smiling, so that's got to count for something.

Puck is obviously letting Finn win, letting himself be pinned to the sofa, letting out fake protests all the while. Kurt's never much cared for Puck, but he's got to admit that he appreciates the way Puck knows just what to do to make them both feel better, and just how willing Puck has been to set aside all of the tensions that have run between him and the other two boys.

"Ok, ok Finn, you win, I give up!" Puck says, gasping for air although it's obviously an act. Kurt smiles wider.

"What are you smiling at Hummel?"

"You."

"Oh…okay."

"Are you two going to cuddle again? Cuz if so…"

"Finn?" Puck cuts him off, still pretending to be pinned to the couch.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."


	8. Chapter 7: Burt

The weekend comes to a close and somehow things in the Hummel-Hudson household are looking up. Finn's decided that he's ready to go back to school and Kurt, after a lot of protesting, has agreed to stay at home so that he and Burt can go to the police station during the daytime when it hopefully won't be crowded. Burt can tell that Kurt really doesn't want to deal with the police at all, but he knows that having Jim behind bars will put the rest of the clan, especially Finn, at ease, and he knows that only his statement will make that possible.

Now, Finn and Carole are both gone and Burt is watching his kid slowly peeling an orange, trying, Burt guesses, to prolong the inevitable.

"You know, there's no way you can make that last all day."

Kurt doesn't look up from his task but replies, "I don't know what you mean."

"I just mean…if you really don't want to go to the police station that bad, you don't have to."

Kurt shrugs, "It's fine Dad. I just…are you going to be in the room with me?"

"Of course buddy, I wouldn't make you go through that by yourself, and Carole went in with Finn so I imagine…"

"No, but I mean, do you _have _to be there, since I'm a minor and all?"

"I, uh…I don't know. I guess not, but…"

Kurt looks visibly relieved and Burt finally understands what's going on.

"Kurt, you can't keep doing this forever, protecting me. Let me help _you _for once, is that so much to ask?"

Kurt shakes his head slowly and returns to peeling his orange. Burt thinks the matter is settled but then Kurt raises his head and says quietly, "I just…I'm going to have to tell them everything right? I…do you really want to hear _everything_?"

_No _Burt thinks _absolutely not but…_ he reaches across the table and grabs Kurt's hand.

"Kurt, look at me. Whatever happened, well, you lived through it. You survived it. The only thing I can do now is help you keep surviving. Please just let me." Kurt bites his lip and then nods cautiously.

"Ok, but, if it's too much, I'd understand…"

"God, Kurt, what the hell did he do to you?"

Kurt doesn't answer, but Burt really isn't expecting him to.

* * *

About an hour later the Hummels are sitting in a room in the police station, waiting for an officer to come back over with the paperwork they need to file a report. Kurt is sitting with his knees tucked up into his chest and is clenching a plastic bag in his hands. Burt has no idea what's in the bag but he has enough sense not to ask. When the officer finally comes to join them, paperwork in hand, Kurt quickly brings his feet back to the floor and crosses his legs, putting on a show of composure for his new audience.

"Ok, now, Kurt…I have a few questions I'm going to need to ask you, ok?"

Kurt nods.

"So, when did the incident take place?"

"I, um, it wasn't really an isolated incident."

The police officer raises his eyebrows but keeps going, "ok then, when did it start?"

"A-about six months ago."

"And can you tell me how many incidents there were in those six months?"

Kurt is quiet for a moment and the longer the pause the more queasy Burt feels. _If it's taking Kurt this long to count them all that must mean_ …

"N-not exactly. But…at least twenty? Counting everything."

"What do you mean, counting everything?"

"Well, I mean, the first couple times we didn't…he didn't actually…well, you know.." Kurt stammers, looking warily over at Burt.

"There wasn't penetration?" the police officer offers, not recognizing how tense the room has just become.

Kurt nods silently.

"And where did the incidents occur?"

"N-not in any one place really. It…it started in the workroom of my Dad's shop. The first couple times we stayed there but later on he…Jim…he would take me out to his car or my car or…this little wooded area right by the shop."

"Ok. Look, I don't mean to be rude but…if this was going on for so long, why didn't you come forward sooner?"

Kurt is avoiding making eye contact with anyone now but answers, "I just, I guess I was scared."

"But why, if it always started in your Dad's shop, didn't you just avoid the area?"

Burt's eyes narrow and he's looking at the cop incredulously. Here his kid is basically falling apart in front of him and this guy has the nerve to start accusing Kurt of letting some guy take advantage of him.

"I…the first couple of times I wasn't really..expecting it. He-he waited there for me I think. But he wasn't there all the time, I never knew when it was safe. And later…he started making threats, saying that he was going to go after Finn…I _had_ to keep going back. Little good that did."

The officer nods and Burt thinks they've finally moved passed the blaming Kurt stage but the officer tries one last time;

"But, and I'm just saying, if I were you I would have told someone before now unless…unless I was getting something out of it too."

Burt is seeing red at this point and stands up so he can yell at the officer properly: "Look, I know as well as you do where this is going. My kids's gay, Jim's a guy, he must have enjoyed himself. Is that right? Well I've been watching my kid waste away for the past half a year and I didn't do anything to protect him, but I'm going to protect him now. What happened was in no way his fault, you hear me? He's having a hard enough time believing that without your bigotry to back up the ridiculous things that asshole told him while he was hurting my boy. Now, I'm going to give you two options. One. You hightail outta this room and find someone who will take my boy's statement without judgment. Or two. I _storm_ out of this room right now and complain to your chief. And if he doesn't listen, I'll keep complaining until I find somebody who will."

By the time Burt is done, the officer has shrunken down three inches in his chair. Burt looks over at Kurt who mouths a silent "thank you" as the cop stands up and walks quickly out of the room. Minutes later, another cop, a woman this time, walks in with the half finished paperwork in her hand. She takes one look at the papers, then looks up and sees the Hummels, Kurt sitting in the chair, knees once again pulled up to his chest, and Burt standing behind him with his hands on Kurt's shoulders.

"I-I really am sorry about that. I don't know what they were thinking, sending him in here with you…he's kind of…well, anyway, you should have had a female officer from the beginning. It's protocol."

She hesitantly smiles at the older Hummel who gives her a small nod and then returns to his seat next to Kurt.

"Hey Kurt. My name is Officer Bradley, I'm going to finish taking your statement, ok?"

Kurt just nods, not bothering to put on a show of composure this time.

"So, we have the basic details here but, and I know this is going to be hard, I'm going to need to tell me as much as you can remember. Start from the beginning, and we can stop if it gets too hard, ok?"

"Ok," Kurt says, weakly. A

nd he starts from the beginning. Burt winces every time he hears a detail that Kurt hadn't shared with him in the graveyard (which is basically all of them), but mostly he's just disturbed by how detached Kurt seems. It's almost as if he's rattling off things he needs from the grocery store. Or, it's that way at first, but by the time Kurt has recounted the first several incidents, his mask has started to slip. He starts including more little details that make Burt's stomach turn: "He, um, he liked to hold his switchblade against me, against my throat. He must have had a really bad day that day, he was particularly rough and he…he nicked me there…when he came. I think it was accidental though, because there's no scar. He always made sure to scar me when it was intentional."

By the end of it, Burt's head is spinning with details he doesn't know how to deal with, doesn't know how he hadn't noticed before. Kurt had lifted his shirt to show the detective some of the more accessible scars and his torso was crisscrossed with marks, some still red and angry, some fading away into pale white lines. Kurt told them about the first times, in the autoshop, how he had bled from being beaten up, how he was sure that some of his blood was still staining the office floor, probably underneath the carpet. He told the officer about the things Jim said to him, about how, near the end, he had started threatening to break it off with Kurt and start going after Finn:

"I…I started dropping by more and more often even though it got more and more brutal. He, uh, he started using lube though so that I wouldn't bleed anymore. He…didn't want my Dad to find out. A guy can only explain away so many pairs of bloody jeans right?…but, anyway, he said that if I couldn't satisfy him, he'd start looking for someone who could…Finn. I thought I was protecting him, going over there so much. I, actually, I told the other guy twenty times. But…these past two months it happened at _least_ twice a week. So maybe more like…thirty-five…forty, does that sound right?"

Officer Bradley just nods slowly and changes the number on the paper, Burt bites his tongue and focuses all of his energy on not pulling Kurt into a hug. When Kurt is done talking, Officer Bradley exhales slowly and puts down her pencil.

"I'm really sorry that this happened to you Kurt, I know that probably doesn't mean much, but I really am. If it helps…you seem much more together than a lot of the people I interview. It's kind of amazing really…"

"I'm not," Kurt says softly, cutting her off, "together, I mean. I just…it's been a long time and I spent it all pretending to be fine. I don't know how to stop."

Bradley looks at him sadly and then says, "That makes sense. I…here," reaching into her pocket and then pushing a small white card across the table to Kurt, "this is the business card of a psychiatrist in the area who specializes in this kind of thing. She's really good, I promise."

Kurt just stares at the card like it's about to explode, and makes no move to pick it up. Sighing, Burt reaches across the table and pockets the card: "Thank you officer."

Bradley smiles and then turns her attention back to Kurt. "Ok, so, unless you can think of anything else, we're done here, and I'll go file for an arrest warrant." When Kurt is silent in response, the adults move to get up.

But just as Bradley is about to exit the room Kurt whispers, "Wait. I, uh, there is something else."

Bradley raises her eyebrows and waits for Kurt to talk. Instead he just holds out the plastic bag he's had clenched in his fists this whole time. Bradley takes the bag and looks inside. Burt can't see what it is, but knows that it must be something bad from the look on the officer's face.

Everything is silent until Kurt whispers, "From the first time he…I saved them because back then I thought I would come to the police a lot sooner. They…they probably aren't helpful anymore but…his DNA might still be on there. Mine too."

Officer Bradley raises her eyebrows again but stays silent, moving only to hand the bag over to Burt who is reaching out, begging the officer to let him see. Inside is a pair of jeans, obviously stained with blood and something that looks like semen. Burt shudders and quickly hands the bag back over to the cop.

"I…thank you Kurt. You're right, these might have been sitting too long. But I'll send them to the lab, ok?"

Kurt nods, "Thank you."

"I'm just doing my job Kurt."

"No, I mean...thank you for…believing me."

"Again, just doing my job. I'm sorry about Greg. I'd still report him if I were you. He was way out of line."

Burt nods, thinking that he'll definitely be by later to complain. But now, Kurt is curled up around himself on a chair in a police station, and Burt can see that he's biting down on his lip really hard to keep himself from breaking down in front of the officer…vendettas can wait. Now he's just got to get his kid home.


	9. Chapter 8: Puck

**A/N: Hey guys! I just wanted to thank everyone who has been following this story, your reviews mean a lot to me. well...enjoy!**

* * *

A month passes and things slowly drift back to normal. The trial comes and goes. Turns out that Jim's disappearance had little to do with Finn's assault; he had been having financial problems and moved in with his brother a couple of towns over and was working at a car shop nearby. Kurt tells what he now refers to as the courtroom version of the story (he rehearsed with his lawyer for days: just enough detail to make the jury cry, not enough to send himself into a dissociative state or a panic attack), and Jim is convicted, sentenced to enough prison time to make the Hummel-Hudson clan breathe easy again. The week leading up to the trial, Finn didn't sleep, barely ate, but now that he knows that Jim can't touch him again, he seems to actually be doing fine. He isn't lying about it anymore.

Some things seem like they will never go back to the way there were before, but those things are becoming normal too. Puck has taken to following Finn and Kurt home from school most days and the three of them spend hours in front of the TV playing racing games or beating up animated bad guys. He started coming over to keep an eye on Finn, but he's stuck around so long because, while everything else in house seems to be getting better, Puck can tell that Kurt is slowly unraveling, finally letting down his defenses and allowing himself to feel, well, anything. But Puck is also pretty sure that he's the only one who has noticed. Because, like Puck's almost constant presence in the basement, Kurt's sleeping patterns have become "normal" too. Finn is always talking about how good a cook Kurt is, how, don't tell anyone, but his pancakes are even better than his mom's. But Puck knows that Kurt still goes out for a morning jog, and so something doesn't add up.

* * *

"Hey Hummel" Puck yells down the hallway, "wait up!"

Kurt turns, rolls his eyes, and puts his hands on his hips. "After all this time can you _please_ stop calling me that?"

"What, it's your name ain't it?"

"My name is _Kurt._"

"Whatever _Kurt_. You stopped didn't you?" Kurt huffs and then resumes walking out to his car. "Where's Finn?"

"He said he had to talk to Mr. Schue about something, I told him we'd wait. Is that ok?"

"Yeah, fine. Hey Hum-_Kurt_, can I ask you something?" Puck takes Kurt's silence as a yes, "Are you, are you really as fine as everyone else seems to think you are?" Still no response. "I just…Finn keeps going on about you making these elaborate breakfasts on school days and…if you're still running in the morning, which I know you are, you must still not be sleeping too well. Worse even. And I just…thought I'd ask."

Kurt rolls his eyes and huffs "I'm _fine_ Noah. I'm not something fragile you know."

"Ok, I just…if you weren't fine you'd tell someone right? Maybe not me because I'm an ass and all but…"

"Noah, you're hardly an ass. Self-absorbed and immature maybe, but not an ass. Not anymore."

Puck wants to keep pressing because, as much as he likes knowing that Kurt doesn't think he's an ass, Kurt hasn't exactly answered his question. But just then Finn walks up and knocks on the window of the car. Kurt unlocks the door and Finn hops into the back seat.

"Jesus Kurt, why do you always lock the door like that? I know you're a control freak about this thing but…" Finn stops talking when he sees Puck giving him a death glare. Kurt is looking straight ahead, knuckles turning white from holding the steering wheel too hard. "I-sorry Kurt. I should have made the connection." Kurt doesn't say anything, just puts the car in drive and hits the gas.

When the three boys get home and out of the car Puck lightly smacks Finn's head and walks away to talk to Kurt. He can't believe that Finn forgot what Burt had told them. Kurt had never mentioned it himself, but Burt had come back from the police station a month ago, clearly having trouble processing the information he'd just learned. Puck had offered to talk but Burt hadn't really been coherent through all his anger, just muttered "I can't believe…in his own damn car! What kind of sick fuck…" before storming away. It hadn't taken much for Puck and Finn to put the pieces together.

Puck walks down the basement stairs, expecting to see Kurt curled up in his bed with his blanket pulled up over his face, but he's greeted by the sight of Kurt in front of the TV, impatiently twirling the game controller around in his hand.

"Took you long enough. Are we going to play or what? I have a record to break." Puck is dumbfounded. "Look, Noah, I told you. I'm fine. Here," he says, holding out another controller, "let's just play."

"But Finn…"

Kurt rolls his eyes and then yells as loudly as he can, "Finn! I'm fine. Come down here and join us."

Puck raises his eyebrows but just shrugs and accepts the controller from Kurt's outstretched hand.

* * *

Puck winds up sleeping over, which isn't unusual. What is unusual is that he wakes up in the middle of the night and really has to pee (ok, so maybe that isn't all that unusual either seeing as he and Finn had broken into Burt's booze stash again). Puck tries to hold it for a good 5 minutes, knowing that once he gets up it's going to take ages to find the comfortable position he's in again. But, eventually, he gives up and untangles himself from the blankets and sleepily makes his way to the bathroom door. It's closed and the lights are on.

"Kurt?" Puck mumbles, "Kurt, I really have to pee." No answer. "C'mon man, I know your skin care ritual is important and all but I really gotta go." Still no answer, but Puck is almost certain he can make out the muffled sound of Kurt's voice behind the door. "Ok, I'm counting to five and then coming in. Pull up your pants. 1-2-3-4-5!"

Puck bursts through the door expecting to find Kurt with weird green stuff all over his face. Instead, he finds Kurt, torso bare, staring at himself in the full-length mirror. It takes Puck a moment to react because he's trying really hard to avoid looking at Kurt's reflection.

"Kurt, what are you doing?" Kurt doesn't answer, he doesn't even turn around.

"Kurt," Puck says cautiously, moving towards the smaller boy. He doesn't know where Kurt's head is right now, but, just in case, Puck decides to talk to him the same way he did that night over a month ago. "Hey, Kurt, it's just me, it's P…Noah. It's Noah. You're safe Kurt, ok? I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder, promise it's just me." Puck reaches out and puts his hand on Kurt's shoulder and lets out a breath he didn't know he had been holding when the smaller boy doesn't flinch away. "Kurt, where are you buddy?" When Kurt doesn't answer again, Puck moves a little closer still and looks at Kurt's reflection. He wishes he hadn't.

Kurt's torso is covered in blood. It looks to Puck like the blood is coming from the scars he'd seen in pictures at the trial, but that doesn't make sense. They had all been healed _then_ so…_oh god._ Just then Puck notices that one of Kurt's hands in curled into a fist. He reaches down for the hand, but Kurt flinches it away.

"Kurt, listen. I'm going to hold your hand, ok? Good. Now open your palm for me?" Kurt doesn't respond for a long minute, but, seeming to sense that he didn't really have a choice, he eventually complies. A razor blade falls into Puck's open hand. "Jesus Kurt, did you…I'm going to get your dad, ok? I'll be right back."

Puck turns to leave the bathroom, forgetting all about his full bladder, but he hears a strangled cry from behind him. He turns around to see Kurt facing him, eyes wide and unfocused;

"W-wait. D-don't tell."

"Kurt, you're hurt, your Dad…" but Kurt's face crumples at the mention of his father and he collapses to the floor. Puck knows that he should just go get Burt but…

"Ok, ok. It can wait. But you have to talk to me Kurt." Kurt nods and Puck wets a paper towel in the sink. "Here. Clean yourself up ok?"

Kurt complies and Puck watches him avidly. He notices that, although the blood is only coming from a handful of the old scars, almost all of them are red and angry, or recently scabbed over. Puck shakes his head.

"Kurt, dude, you told me you were fine! This is far from fine."

"D-don't call me dude," Kurt whispers, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

"No, Kurt, we're talking about it now, no getting out of it this time. How long have you been doing this?"

Kurt turns his head so that Puck can't see his face but answers, "S-since after the trial."

"But why…I mean, he's in jail Kurt, why…?"

Kurt laughs wryly, "I-that doesn't help. I thought it would, but he's all over me, I-I can't even look at myself in the mirror without seeing him!" Puck doesn't know what to say, but after a beat Kurt keeps talking. "I just…this way I can pretend I scarred myself originally. It's better…that way…when I look at myself I'll only have to remember my own reflection. Not him."

"Does…has that actually been working for you Kurt?" Kurt just drops his eyes to the floor.

After a moment he shakes his head and whispers, "Please don't tell my Dad. He'll think…he'll think I'm…"

"He'll what Kurt?" Puck says, cutting the smaller boy off, "He'll think you're not ok? You're _not_ ok Kurt. It's…no one expects you to be. Let me help you."

Puck notices that blood has leaked through the layers of paper towel that Kurt is holding against himself, so Puck rummages through the medicine cabinet until he finds a bottle of peroxide and some bandages and goes to work. When he's done, Puck lifts Kurt up with only a mild protest from the smaller boy, and carries him up the stairs. When he gets to Burt's door, Kurt starts struggling for real whispering frantically "D-don't…you'll wake him up! Please Puck, let me go," but Puck knocks on the bedroom door. Moments later, the door swings open to reveal a rather grumpy looking Burt:

"Puckerman…what the hell…" he mutters until he notices his son in Puck's arms, the bandages standing out against his pale skin, even in the dark. Puck winces when he sees that blood is already starting to leak through. "What happened?" whispers Burt, not taking his eyes off his son, who has buried his face in Puck's chest, as if trying to hide, "He was doing so well."

"Not really sir. You…you should ask him about it though. But I found him with this," Puck says, producing the razor blade and pressing it into Burt's palm. Burt goes pale.

The trio wanders into the living room and Puck tries to put Kurt down so that father and son can have some privacy, but Kurt just whimpers and holds on to Puck even harder.

"Sorry sir, I don't think he's going to let go…"

Burt just shrugs and then directs his attention to his son. "Kurt, buddy, what did you do to yourself?" Kurt doesn't answer, just like Puck expects, but Burt tries again. "Kid, why did you hurt yourself…you seemed…everything was going fine."

That must have struck a nerve because Puck feels Kurt inhale sharply and he mumbles something against Puck's chest.

"What Kurt? I can't hear you."

Kurt turns his head and whispers, "It…nothing's _fine_ Dad."

"What do you…"

"I…he's all over me Dad. In me. I can't…I can't just get over it and move on like Finn. I'm not that strong."

"Kurt, you are honestly the strongest person I…"

"Oh save it," Kurt cuts him off bitterly. "I don't _feel_ strong. I still…I dream about it _all_ _the time_. I can't…I can't even look at myself in the mirror without…and I….look at me! I'm pathetic, Dad. I'm fucked-up, broken." And Puck feels it when Kurt starts crying, feels Kurt begin to shake, feels the warm liquid cooling as it makes tracks down his arm.

"Kurt, I'm going to make an appointment with that doctor, ok? The one Officer Bradley told us about?"

"I don't want to see a shrink Dad, I've told you!"

"But Kurt…"

"Besides, people go to shrinks to figure out what's wrong with them. I _already know_ what's wrong with me."

"Maybe, but think of the drugs you'll be able to squeeze out of her…Xanax, probably Valium. You could set up a business, drive out Sandy?" Puck chimes in slyly, trying to make it sound like a joke, but he's been there when Kurt has freaked out before and he has no doubt that the kid could use an anti-anxiety pill at least.

"Yeah, what he said, if it'll work. But buddy, you need help. And I don't know how to give it to you. I try as hard as I can but I am only useful up until a point. We're way passed that point now," and then, after taking another long look at Kurt's torso, "actually, it looks like we've been passed that point for a long time now. I just…I didn't know"

Puck watches as Kurt turns his face back into Puck's chest, and, through his t-shirt, feels the smaller boy's mouth working, probably chewing on his lip. Finally, Kurt turns back to face his father: "O-ok. I'll go. But I won't like it."

Puck smiles and, for reasons he doesn't quite understand, kisses the top of Kurt's head. Kurt looks up at him with a small smile on his face, still crying but obviously amused by the small show of affection. Puck shifts uncomfortably.

"Look, Hummel, I'm glad that you're finally going to get some help and all, but I really have to pee and you're leaning directly on my bladder."

Kurt's eyes widen. "You mean, right here?" he asks innocently, leaning back even harder against Puck. Puck sees Burt's shoulders shake with laughter as he stands up to leave to room.

"I'll leave you to deal with that problem. Good luck. Oh, and Puckerman?"

"Yes sir?" Puck mutters, focusing all of his energy on not pissing himself.

"Thank you. You…you're good for him. Never thought I'd say that."

Puck wants to clarify that he and Kurt are _not_ dating but Burt has already turned to leave the room and Puck guesses that it doesn't really matter that much.

"Ok Hummel, I'm going to count to five, and if you're not off my lap by then I'm just going to have to throw you off."

"That's cruel Noah."

"One."

"Hello, I'm crying here. Practically weeping in your arms."

"Two. Three."

"I'm not moving."

"Four. Five!" Puck stands up and gently tosses Kurt onto the couch.

"Hey!" Kurt exclaims "That's not ethical. I'm broken, remember?"

"If I remember correctly, earlier today you told me to stop treating you like something fragile."

"Well, I _obviously_ lied."

"Well _I_ have to pee." Puck quickly turns and starts walking towards the bathroom but he hears Kurt's voice from behind him and turns back around:

"What?"

"I just said…thank you."

Puck grins. "I…of course Kurt. But promise me you'll talk to me next time?"

Kurt nods slowly, "Ok."


	10. Chapter 9: Kurt, Finn

A couple of days pass and Kurt suddenly finds himself in a face-off with the shrink. Well, _he_ thinks it's a face-off, she doesn't seem to agree.

"Hi Kurt. I know it says Dr. Johnson on my business card, but I want you to call me Liz. Ok?"

Kurt doesn't answer, just crosses his arms over his chest and stares at her, trying to keep his face blank.

"Ok, great," she continues warmly, seemingly undeterred by Kurt's Ice Queen act. "So, Kurt, what brings you here today?"

Kurt shrugs.

"You know, you're stuck with me for an hour. Even if you think you're not going to get anything out of this, you might as well play along."

"You already know why I'm here, why do I have to tell you?"

"I, uh, I don't really. Your Dad called, said he's worried about you, that he got my name from Officer Bradley. But that's not really knowing anything."

Kurt rolls his eyes and, instead of answering, stands up and asks if he can use her computer. Liz nods her head, but knits her eyebrows together in confusion. After minute, Kurt turns the computer back towards her, one of Jacob Israel's blog posts is illuminated on the screen.

"I don't…"

"Just read," Kurt says softly before returning to his seat.

The post contains, like all of Jacob's work, all of the details of the story that the weasel can find. Which means that the thing is basically the courtroom version of the story rewritten in the third person, but Kurt and Finn's names are left off. Kurt is certain that Puck had something to do with that bit of kindness. Eventually Liz looks up at him, her expression still confused.

"It's about me. Well, my brother too. Mostly me."

Liz nods once and closes her computer screen. "Why don't you tell me about it, in your own words?"

"Those are close enough to my own words. He was at the trial. He records everything."

Liz bites her lip and stares back at Kurt for a while before throwing her hands up, "Ok, I get it, you don't want to talk about it. Makes sense. I probably wouldn't either. But, either way, we still have 50 minutes to kill. So how about we talk around it? What happened to you can sit like a big, pink elephant in the room. How long do you think we can go without running into it?"

Kurt shrugs and tries to maintain his blank stare, but he has to fight not to smile a little at that. He decides that he likes this woman. "Ok, let's play."

Liz smirks. "Ok, let's start easy. What's your favorite color?"

"Blue."

"Why?"

"It was…it reminds me of my mother's eyes."

"What happened to her?"

"She died. Cancer. Almost nine years ago now."

"Ok, so, we've hit an elephant. Wrong one though I'm guessing."

Kurt smirks and nods; "Your move."

"What do you do for fun Kurt?"

"Well, I'm in glee club at school and…I'm a cheerleader."

"Very impressive. What do you like about those things?"

"I love the feeling of performing, being on stage. I'm a natural diva, if you couldn't tell. And…oh, this sounds stupid, horribly cliché…"

"What is it?"

"Well, when I'm on stage…I finally feel like…somebody you know? Like all the lights are on me, for once, and I'm not just the school fag, I'm…special."

"That's not stupid Kurt. Anything else?"

"I, um…I used to like helping my Dad out in the shop. It was one of the few places where we could bond over something we liked doing together. I…he's _such_ a guy, you know?"

"Was? You used the past tense there. What changed?"

"I, uh…Jim."

"Check and mate." Kurt glares at her. "So, are you going to talk about it now, or should we keep playing? We're tied now I guess, one-one. Want to play first one to five?"

Kurt grins. "Your move."

And the two keep going, filling the whole hour with their admittedly warped game of chess. But it gets Kurt talking and it lets Liz see exactly how many aspects of Kurt's life have been affected by his experiences with Jim.

"What's your favorite food?" eventually leads to "I, uh, I just haven't been very hungry lately. Not since…" Kurt gets a point because Liz's question about his taste of clothes winds up hitting a dead-end: "I just figure, I can't change my voice or anything else about who I am, so I'm always going to stand out. Might as well be fabulous." Same goes for her attempt to link the fact that most all of his friends are girls to Jim: "Seriously? I made the whole football team do the 'Single Ladies' dance, they're not exactly lining up to play the role of my best friend either."

Liz gets back on the board by asking about Kurt's relationship with his father and he has to admit that things are strained between them, especially now because Burt can see Kurt falling apart and feels absolutely helpless. By the end of the session they are tied, four to four.

"Last point. Your move."

"I'm sorry Kurt but I have to pull out the big guns this time. How have you been sleeping?" Kurt drops his eyes to the floor and crosses his arms over his chest. "That's what I thought. How bad?"

"I…I thought it would get better, after the trial. But, it's somehow…worse. I can't…I panic every time I close my eyes. I feel his hand here," whispers Kurt, wrapping his hand loosely around his throat, "and I can't breathe. It's…pathetic really. I'm sixteen years old and all of a sudden I'm terrified of the dark."

Liz arches her eyebrows, "You know Kurt, a lot of people wouldn't have survived what you went through. You're anything but pathetic."

Kurt laughs bitterly and then whispers, "I almost didn't." Liz tilts her head, silently questioning. "I-I almost didn't…survive."

"What do you mean?"

"I, uh, after the first time he…the first time it went that far I…I took my dad's gun out. And I…I almost…" Kurt trails off and looks at his feet. Liz sighs.

"Also…not pathetic. You're still here-"

"Yeah," says Kurt, cutting her off harshly and looking back up again, "you know why I am? Because I was thinking about how much _Jim_ would miss me. He…everything he said…it's still in my head. I can't get him out of there!"

Liz grins at him, "Now we're getting somewhere. Here," she says, scribbling something on a prescription pad and handing it across the table, "Xanax. Take one when you feel yourself starting to panic, maybe they'll help you get some sleep. See? I'm good for more than just conversation." Kurt takes the prescription and pockets it, standing up to leave.

"I'll see you next week?"

Kurt nods once and makes his way to the door. "Oh, and Kurt? That's pretty fucked up you know. I can think of hundreds of more sane reasons for you to not have killed yourself."

Kurt rolls his eyes, trying to suppress a grin. Yeah, he really likes this lady.

* * *

Finn is halfway up the basement stairs when he hears somebody yelling in the kitchen.

"…I'm just exhausted, ok! Can you just leave it alone!"

Oh. Kurt. Finn wonders what that's all about but then he remembers that today was Kurt's first day of therapy. Must not have gone very well. Finn hears Burt sigh, but can't make out what he's saying. Whatever it is, it must make Kurt mad because the next thing Finn hears is the sound of feet stomping towards the basement door.

The door flies open and Finn smiles sheepishly up at Kurt, "I was, uh…just going…"

Kurt rolls his eyes at Finn and brushes past him without saying a word. For a moment Finn forgets what exactly he was doing on the stairs in the first place—_Oh right, popcorn-_and then decides that it can wait. He turns around and heads back downstairs.

Puck and Kurt are both sitting on the couch. Well, actually, Kurt is lying on the couch, curled up with his back to Puck and Puck is eying him warily.

"Did um…bad therapy session, huh?"Kurt doesn't answer, just raises his head to glare at Finn. "I just…I heard you yelling in the kitchen. Are you ok?"

Kurt's expression softens a little and he lowers his head back to the couch; "I'm fine, really. Therapy was actually kind of…nice. I just…Dad wanted to talk about it. I'm tired of talking about it! It feels like that's all I've been doing for the past two months."

"Oh." Finn gets the sense that they're not talking about Kurt's therapy session after all. "Ok, well…Puck and I were going to watch a movie. Wanna join? I'll make popcorn enough for the three of us." Kurt scrunches up his nose at the mention of popcorn. "…Or not. We can go upstairs if you want to be alone..."

"N-no. Stay here. I'd like that."

Finn smiles triumphantly and turns back towards the stairs.

"Hey Finn!"

"Yeah?" he responds, turning back to face Kurt.

"Can you…will you tell Dad I'm sorry? I didn't mean to yell. Today just took a lot out of me."

"Sure thing."

When Finn comes back downstairs, Kurt is still curled up on the couch, but this time his head is in Puck's lap.

"Seriously? Are you two finally going to make-out or something?" Puck glares at him. "Sorry! I'm just saying…" Puck is still glaring. "O-K….I'll take that as a no."

Puck nods once and then refocuses his gaze on the movie that is playing on the screen. Finn's never heard of it, but it's the kind of action-adventure movie that he really likes. It has a simple plot and a lot of things explode. Halfway through, Finn turns to Kurt to apologize for the lack of 'substantial character development,' but he notices that Puck's hand is resting on Kurt's shoulder, stroking it gently, and Kurt is fast asleep. Finn shakes his head, smiling, and focuses his attention back on the screen; an entire building is engulfed in flames.

The movie ends and, almost instantaneously, Finn's stomach rumbles.

"Puck," he whispers, trying not to wake Kurt up, "I'm hungry. Burt and Mom are out on a date…wanna order a pizza?"

Puck nods and mouths, "Hold on, I'm coming," and tries, as gently as he can, to extract himself from underneath Kurt's head. It's funny to watch; Puck tries to swap a pillow for his lap, the way bad guys in cartoons always try to take things from museums. It doesn't work.

Kurt wakes with a start and whimpers.

"Sh, Kurt, you're ok…" Puck starts, obviously trying to keep Kurt from freaking out.

"I know dummy," Kurt says grumpily, "I just…you're warm." Finn works hard to stifle his laughter. "Where're you going?" Kurt mumbles, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"We're just going to go upstairs and order a pizza. Go back to sleep."

Kurt shakes his head and sits up; "Can't."

The three boys head upstairs and Finn makes a beeline for the phone; he knows the number for his favorite pizza place by heart.

"Make sure you get something with vegetables on it!" begs Kurt from across the room.

Finn raises his eyebrows, "You're actually going to eat? Like, real food?"

Kurt shrugs. "Maybe."

Finn grins and he can see Puck smiling on the other side of the room. "Ok, you got it. Vegetables it is."

Finn places their order and turns back to the other two. "They said they'd be here in twenty minutes. But I'm _starving_, I don't think I can wait that long."

Kurt rolls his eyes and grins, "You're hardly starving Finn, you just ate two hours ago!"

"Yeah, well…" and Finn can't think of a comeback so he just sticks his tongue out at Kurt. The smaller boy's smile gets even bigger. It's nice to see.

"You're happy. Feeling better?"

Kurt nods, "Yeah, I think talking to Liz, the shrink…I think it's a good thing. Just…hard."

"See, I told you," Puck chimes in.

"You were right about something else too," Kurt says, rummaging through his bag which is hanging from the back of his chair. "Here," and he tosses an orange vial to Puck.

"Xanax, sweet."

"Yeah, now maybe I'll get some sleep."

Finn grins and reaches down to ruffle Kurt's hair affectionately, "I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," Kurt responds, simultaneously batting Finn's hand away, "Now stop that. You're messing up my hair."

The mood in the room stays light; the three boys joke around and play cards. But while Puck is dealing a new hand in poker, he grins slyly at Kurt and says;

"I'm surprised you fell asleep during that movie."

"You know, it really wasn't my cup of tea Noah.."

"Yeah, but all those half naked men. Surprised you weren't jerking off there, in my lap." Kurt's smile collapses and, just then, the doorbell rings.

"Must be the pizza, I'll go get it," Kurt says tersely.

Once Kurt's out of the room, Finn smacks Puck in the head lightly. Ok, maybe it's a little more than lightly…he's been waiting to get back at Puck since that time with Kurt's car.

"Hey, ow! What'd I do?"

Finn sighs, "Really? And people think _I'm_ the dumb one…" Puck doesn't respond, just rubs his head gingerly. "Ok, look. I didn't…couldn't…do that for weeks afterwards. I don't think Kurt…"

"Wait, back up. What?"

Finn drops his eyes to his hands and starts picking at the calluses on his palms. "Jerk off, ok? I couldn't without feeling…gross. And…I didn't really want to. I just, I don't _know_, but I bet it's the same for Kurt. So lay off ok?"

"I was just joking."

"I know." The two boys look up and see Kurt standing in entryway to the kitchen. "I know you were joking," Kurt continues, his voice shaking a little. "And, uh, thanks Finn."

Puck raises his eyebrows but stays silent. Kurt places the pizza on the table and the boys dig in, not bothering with plates. After a minute Puck clears his throat and breaks the silence.

"So…what you're saying is…you haven't gotten off…in seven _months?_" Finn sees Kurt blush bright red and look away from the bigger boy.

"I mean, I _have_…"

"No," Puck says harshly, cutting Kurt off, "those times don't count. Is that ever going to stick? What I mean is…you haven't _wanted_ to get off for seven months?"

Kurt shakes his head.

Puck whistles. "Man, you really _are_ fucked up. I'd probably be dead by now, if I were you."

Finn narrows his eyes in anger, "Puck, shut up. You just don't…" but he notices that the grin has returned to Kurt's face.

"Oh gee, _thanks_ Noah," Kurt says, rolling his eyes playfully.

"Anytime Hummel."

Finn sighs and buries his face in his hands. "Tell me when you two are done flirting ok? I'll be right over here."


	11. Chapter 10: Puck

**hey guys, sorry this update took so long. damn school. but there's only one more left...**

* * *

Time passes. Nothing changes, not really. Which, as far as Puck can tell, is a good thing; no more explosions.

Well, Regional's comes and goes. Suddenly, Finn and Rachel are together again. Puck knows that this is a good sign. It means that Finn is completely ready and willing to face the real world again. No more hiding in the basement with video games and movies. But it's a bad thing for Puck because it means that he has increasingly fewer opportunities to hang out at the Hudmel household. Over the past handful of months, that house really has become a home for Puck. He always feels welcome and at ease there, which is more than he can say for his own home. And, as much as he hates to admit it, he's found a really good friend in Kurt. Two weeks into the renewed Finn/Rachel romance, Puck finds himself really missing their video game sessions, sure, but mostly, he realizes, he misses his banter with Kurt.

The last day of school rolls around and, although the two still talk at lunch and during glee rehearsal, Puck hasn't followed Kurt home in weeks. So today he follows him out into the parking lot after the final bell rings, just like old times.

"Hey Hummel, long time no see."

Kurt smiles. "Hey Noah! Yeah…I've missed having you around. We'll have to make sure to hang out this summer."

"Actually, I was wondering…you mind if I come over today? I'm kind of avoiding home right now," which isn't entirely untrue.

Kurt's face knots in concern. Although the majority of the comforting that has occurred in Puck and Kurt's relationship has been rather one-sided, there have been a couple of times when Kurt has had to talk Puck down from a fit of anger. Consequently, he knows all about Puck's home-problems. Namely that his mom is, in Puck's own words, "a sometimes alcoholic."

"Your mom?" Kurt asks, worry apparent in his voice.

"Yeah," Puck responds, shrugging, "it's no big deal. I'm just…tired."

"Yeah, of course you can come over. But…Finn's gone out with Rachel so it'll just be the two of us. That ok?"

"That's perfect."

Kurt raises his eyebrows, but simply unlocks the car door and hops in. Puck follows suit.

"So…how've you been Hummel? I see you practically every day but it's been ages since I really knew how you were doing."

"I…good actually. Everything feels so close to how it did before. Well, you know, minus the weekly therapy. And the fact that my Dad still gets tongue-tied around me. He feels guilty I think, I don't know how to make him stop. And, I've gained five pounds! Everyone says it's a good thing, even Sue. She says that I'm one step closer to not looking like a concentration camp survivor. But I think it's actually kind of a shame…"

Puck laughs. "Of course you do. You…you seem like you're doing real good Hummel."

Kurt grins."It's the miracle of modern medicine. There's a pill for everything. PTSD dreams? No problem. Anxiety? Depression? Don't worry, there are pills for that too!"

"Damn Hummel. How many drugs does that shrink have you on?"

Kurt sighs. "Just two. The Xanax and an anti-depressant. Paxil last I checked, but she's switched once or twice to try to find the right one. She says from the sounds of it I should have been on an anti-depressant a long time ago, says it's almost lucky that something finally happened that pushed me enough over the edge that I wound up in therapy."

Puck clenches his hands into fists, "That's…"

"Relax Noah," Kurt says, laughing. "She's only joking."

"It's not very funny."

Kurt shrugs, still smiling. "I don't know. _I _think it is. And…that's why I like Liz so much. She's willing to joke about it…doesn't treat me like I'm too fragile to hear it. _We_ used to joke like that Noah…what happened to that?"

"Nothing happened to it. I just…there's a difference." Kurt's eyebrows shoot up and he stares at Puck, obviously amused. "What!"

"Oh, nothing. I'm just trying to figure out when you decided to audition for the role of my knight in shining armor."

Puck blushes. "It's nothing like that, Hummel, get over yourself. I just…I was the first one you told. I held you while you were falling apart, you know? I can't just not care. Or something."

Kurt giggles and places one hand on Puck's arm, not taking his eyes off of the road. "Well, I'm flattered Noah. Really. But you don't need to defend me from Liz. She's a good guy in this story."

The two drive in silence for a minute, Kurt's hand still resting on Puck's arm, but suddenly Kurt grabs the wheel with both hands again, makes an abrupt turn, and mutters "oh shit, I almost forgot."

"What was that about?"

"Sorry Noah. I forgot. I have to stop by the shop and bring my Dad his wallet. He forgot it at home today and he's going out with Carole tonight and…"

Puck laughs, "Ok Princess, calm down. It's ok, I don't mind a detour."

Kurt scowls at him for a moment. "Princess? Really?"

"Hey. You brought it on yourself with all that knight in shining armor crap."

Kurt purses his lips, but Puck can see a smile tugging at the corners of his eyes. "Well…I guess it's better than Hummel."

"Whatever you say Princess."

* * *

Kurt parks across the street from the shop. Puck automatically reaches into his bag for his phone, but then he remembers the last time they were here together. He glances over at Kurt, who is still holding on to the steering wheel with both hands. His eyes are closed tight and he's chewing on his lower lip.

"Hey," Puck whispers gently, "do you want me to come in with you? I know…you're fine and all. But it can't be easy, being here."

Kurt opens his eyes and stares at Puck, still chewing on his lip. Slowly he loosens his grip on the wheel and nods. His expression is unreadable. Both boys open their doors and step out onto the pavement. Puck jogs around the car to catch up with Kurt, but the smaller boy hasn't started moving.

"You ok?"

Kurt nods, but reaches out and grabs Puck's hand. Puck looks down at the pale hand intertwined with his own.

"I…is this ok? Sorry, I can let go. I just…I haven't been back here since…I didn't think it would be this hard."

"Yeah, of course."

Puck waits for Kurt to start walking and the two slowly make their way across the street. Puck hears Kurt inhale sharply before he reaches out to and pulls the door open.

"Dad?" Kurt whispers once they get inside, not moving away from the doorway.

"You're going to have to be a little louder than that you know Princess," Puck says, laughing. Kurt doesn't answer, just tightens his grip on Puck's hand. "Hey, hey. It's ok. Do you want me to just bring it to him?"

Kurt shakes his head and yells down the short hallway, "Dad!"

Burt's head pokes out of a doorway a little ways down the hall and looks for the source of the noise. When he spots Kurt, his face is masked in worry and he races down the hall.

"Kurt, buddy, are you ok? What's…"

Kurt rolls his eyes. "I'm fine Dad. You just left your wallet on the counter this morning. I figured you'd want it."

Burt reaches down and accepts the wallet from Kurt's outstretched hand. "Oh. Thanks buddy. What would I do without you?"

Kurt winces and, letting go of Puck's hand, turns to leave. "Have fun Dad, I'll see you tonight." Puck is about to follow Kurt out the door but Burt stops him by putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Puckerman. It's nice to see you again."

"You too sir."

"I, um. I just wanted to say thank you. For everything you did for my boys. Especially Kurt."

Puck drops his eyes to the floor and shifts his feet uncomfortably. "It's nothing sir. Just being a friend."

Burt nods.

They stand in silence for a minute and then, when Puck can't take it anymore, he mumbles, "I really should be getting back to Kurt. I think he's a little freaked…"

Burt holds up a hand and waves it in the direction of the car, indicating to Puck that he's free to go. Puck turns. "Oh, and Puckerman?"

"Yes sir?"

"If you break his heart I'm going to kill you."

Puck opens his mouth to protest but nothing comes out. Burt just nods, satisfied by Puck's response, and walks away.

When Puck gets back to the car, Kurt is drumming on the steering wheel impatiently.

"What took you so long?"

"Sorry, your dad wanted to…have a talk."

"About what?" Kurt asks, firing up the engine and driving hastily towards home.

Puck shrugs. "He told me not to break your heart."

Kurt, still driving, turns to face Puck. "He what?"

"Yeah, it's not that big of a deal."

"What do you mean, not a big deal? He, that means…he thinks we're dating?" Puck shrugs in response. Kurt sighs, "Don't worry, I'll talk to him tonight."

After a minute, Puck speaks up again. "He, uh, he also thanked me. For hanging out with you and Finn."

"Well, at least _that_ makes sense."

"I don't know…I didn't really do anything…"

"Seriously Noah?"

Puck shrugs again. "Yeah, all I did was play some stupid video games."

"Noah, you're an idiot."

"What?"

"Noah…you saved my life. You know that don't you?" Puck shakes his head. "Well, you did," Kurt says forcefully, and Puck knows better than to argue.

* * *

The car pulls into the driveway and the two boys walk inside.

"You hungry?"

Puck shakes his head.

"Wait, what? Aren't you _always_ hungry?"

Puck shrugs.

"Noah…are you ok? Did I…was that too much? But it's true you know."

Puck doesn't say anything for a long minute, he just plays with the change in his pockets. When he looks up Kurt is looking at him, concerned. "You know how your Dad thinks we're dating…"

Kurt sighs. "Oh, _that's _what this is about. I already told you I'd talk to him."

"No. I mean…don't."

Kurt crosses his arms and arches an eyebrow.

"I just mean…what if we were?" Kurt doesn't respond, just walks over to the kitchen table and sits down. "I just…I realized that, these past few weeks, I've missed hanging out here, sure. But more than anything I've missed you. So…what if your dad was right?"

Kurt's eyes widen, but then he frowns and buries his forehead in his hands. "I…don't think that's a good idea."

"But why not Kurt? What, am I not good enough to be your knight after all?" Puck jokes half heartedly.

Kurt shakes his head, "It's not that. I like you Noah, I do. I just…it's still kind of an act you know."

"What is?"

Kurt spreads his arms and gestures at everything around him, "_This_. Me. I…cry a lot. Liz keeps trying to convince me to do twice weekly sessions. And you saw me today, at the shop. I'm not…ok."

Puck shrugs. "Kurt. I held you while you were bleeding. Tears are nothing."

Kurt rolls his eyes bitterly. "We can't have sex." Puck sucks in a breath, but doesn't answer. "I mean. I want to, with you…or…I will want to, or something. But we can't."

"Like…ever?"

Kurt shakes his head. "Just…not now."

"It's ok."

But Kurt just buries his face in his hands again.

"What now?"

Kurt looks over at him, tears shining in his eyes. "It's just…there's this woman who sees one of the therapists who works in Liz's building. I think our appointments are at the same time or something because I always see her waiting. Anyway, we got to talking and…she was raped at gun point ten years ago."

"So…?"

"I just…ten years ago Puck! And she's still in therapy. I walked her out to her car once. She still locks her car when she's inside it!"

"I don't understand what this has to do with…"

"Ten years later, and she's _still_ not ok. What if we can't have sex for ten years!"

Puck knows it's the wrong response to be having, but he can't help it; he laughs, just a little.

"What's funny about that Noah?"

"Nothing, it's just…if you wanted me to serenade you, you should have just asked." Kurt looks at him like he's the crazy one. "You sound just like that chick in that musical you're always playing," Puck explains.

"What are you talking…"

But Puck cuts Kurt off, softly singing the few lines of the song that he can remember:

_Perfect for you,  
I will be perfect for you.  
So you could go crazy,  
Or I could go crazy, it's true…_

_Sometimes life is insane,  
But crazy I know I can do._

_Cuz crazy is perfect  
and fucked-up is perfect,  
So I will be perfect…  
Perfect for you_

"That's… 'Next to Normal.'"

"Yeah, like I said. That musical you're always playing."

Kurt closes his eyes and chews on his bottom lip. Puck watches as the smaller boy breathes deeply, trying, unsuccessfully, to calm down enough to stop crying. After a minute, Puck starts trying to figure out how he can take it all back and still be friends with Kurt, because it's obviously not going to work this way, if Kurt can't even stop crying. But when Kurt opens his eyes again he smiles weakly at Puck and nods.

"Ok. But…you know that show doesn't really have a happy ending, don't you?"

Puck shrugs, grinning. "It didn't sound so bad."


	12. Chapter 11: Finn, Kurt

**last chapter. thanks for sticking with this so long! also...i can't wrte anything remotely smutty. so i don't know why i did. oops. **

**

* * *

**

Finn doesn't know why he thought this was a good idea.

Well, ok, at first it had seemed like a good idea. Rachel had tied his hands to the bed with one of her scarves and whispered "So you can't touch" in his ear. Her breath had tickled against the sensitive skin there and the feeling made him whimper. It had seemed like a good idea then. And when she had been kissing every inch of his skin, starting at his collar bone and moving down, it had seemed like an excellent idea, especially when she had lingered a little longer on his nipples and he felt the burn of arousal in his stomach, and _especially_ when she had palmed his hard-on through his jeans and he hadn't been able to suppress a small moan in response. But when she had tugged at his zipper and pulled off his jeans and boxers in one movement, he'd started to wish that his hands weren't tied to the bed. Mostly because he wanted to be able to reach out and touch the bare skin of Rachel's shoulder. And when she had wrapped her soft hand around him, he had forgotten all about his desire to touch her, because he was too focused on the sensation.

But now that Rachel has taken him into her mouth, Finn _really_ doesn't know if this is a good idea. They've done this dozens of times before, but his hands have never been immobilized and now that they are, he feels his throat clenching up, panic building in his gut alongside pleasure. If he could just reach out and tuck Rachel's hair behind her ear, it would all be ok. But he can't, he can't move. _Get a grip_ he scolds himself, _just breathe._ But the panic has completely overtaken the pleasure now and Finn feels like he can't get enough air into his lungs. He knows that all he has to do is get Rachel's attention, just whisper her name, but his mouth won't cooperate, his tongue weighs heavy in his mouth, and Rachel is completely focused on what she's doing.

It takes a minute, but Finn vaguely remembers that his hands are only being held in place by a scarf. He fumbles with the knot for a minute, his fingers are too big and awkward, but he eventually frees his hands. He reaches down with one of them and rests his fingertips on Rachel's cheek. She looks up at him without stopping, but Finn's tongue still feels like lead in his mouth. He can barely breathe, let alone ask her to stop. He just hopes that she remembers the talk they'd had weeks ago, about how this might happen.

OK, so they hadn't really talked about it. But they had been making out on the couch and Finn had, like always, asked Rachel's permission before slipping his hand under her shirt to unhook her bra. Rachel looked at him, amused.

"You know, you don't have to keep asking. It's always ok for you do to that."

"Yeah but…I don't know. I sometimes get freaked out about this stuff now and I just figured, after all that stuff with Jesse, maybe you do too."

Rachel had pulled away from him and looked at him seriously, eyes wide with sympathy. "That's sweet. But Jesse didn't…"

"I know," Finn had whispered, cutting her off. He _really_ hadn't wanted to let the conversation continue where it was headed, he didn't know how much more of Rachel's sympathy he could take. "There are other reasons to be freaked out though. Come back here, let's just kiss."

And that was the extent of the talking. But Finn really hoped Rachel remembered.

After studying Finn's face for a moment, Rachel gasps and practically jumps off the bed.

"I'msosorry, I didn't mean…"

Finn groans and finds his voice again. "Don't stop, please. Just…can you just use your hand?"

Rachel nods, but makes no move towards the bed. Finn holds out his arms to her, "C'mere, I didn't mean to scare you."

Rachel slides into Finn's arms, lying against his side. He presses a kiss on the top of her head. She reaches out and tentatively wraps her hand around him again.

"This ok?"

Finn closes his eyes and gasps, nodding. She begins moving her hand and Finn's hips buck up involuntarily.

* * *

Kurt is pressed against Puck's chest on the living room couch, his hand snaked up and underneath Puck's t-shirt. One of Puck's thumbs is hooked into Kurt's belt loop and the fingers of the other hand are tangled in Kurt's hair. Puck's mouth is currently sucking on the soft skin in the place where Kurt's neck meets his collar bone and Kurt is letting out desperate little whimpers.

This had started with a chaste kiss in the kitchen that had deepened and continued. Kurt had had to stand on his tip toes in order to reach up and latch his arms around Puck's neck. Puck had laughed and scooped him up, still kissing. They ended up on the couch, Kurt on top, and hadn't moved since.

But when Puck's lips move away from Kurt's neck and back up to meet his own, Kurt becomes hyper aware of the hard line of Puck's arousal pressing against his upper thigh. At first he tries to ignore it and just sink back into the kiss but he can't focus; his stomach is fluttering and his heart is beating too fast.

He tries to reason with himself; just because Puck is hard, doesn't mean…but it would be so easy to do what he knows Puck wants, just unzip his fly and…Kurt's stomach rolls and he quickly disentangles himself and jumps off of the couch, tripping over the low table as he flies backwards. Puck, almost as fast, stands up and starts moving towards Kurt.

"Princess, what's wrong, did I…"

"D-Don't," Kurt stammers, moving backwards away from Puck, "just, stay over there."

Puck halts.

Kurt can hardly breathe well enough to speak audibly, so he just flicks his eyes downward to Puck's crotch for a moment before he looks back up, searching his eyes for understanding. Puck follows his line of sight, but Kurt doesn't wait to see what happens next. He hurries to the basement, not stopping until he has made it to his bathroom and locked the door behind him.

Using the doorknob for support, he slides down the wall until he's seated, knees tucked up into his chest, head leaning back into the wall. Finally, he focuses on breathing, taking deep shuddering breaths until he feels his pulse begin to slow down.

Kurt opens his eyes and glances around the room. Everything is calm, clean. His pill bottles are sitting on the sink, just within reach, and Kurt contemplates taking a Xanax, climbing into bed, and waiting for the drugs to start working. But those pills make him loopy and tired and on the off chance that Puck is still upstairs, he wants to be functional. So, instead, he uses the edge of the sink to pull himself up. His legs are shaky, but are sturdy enough to stand on. That's a good sign. Then, avoiding his reflection in the mirror, he discards his clothing, turns on the shower, and hops in. He stays there, eyes closed and face tilted up to meet the stream, until the vague feeling of panic dissipates from his gut, until the water runs cold.

When he gets out, he dries himself off and just throws on a t-shirt and a pair of boxer briefs. It's hot in the house and he figures that Puck will have shown himself out…it's been over an hour after all. But when he gets upstairs and turns into the kitchen, he's greeted by the sight of Puck, stirring something on the stove and grinning at him sheepishly.

"I only know how to make spaghetti, but I cut up some vegetables and put them in the sauce."

"You're still here. I thought…I was sure I'd scared you away."

Puck shrugs and abandons his spoon in the saucepot. "Like I said, I've held you while you were bleeding. Besides, nothing scares Puckzilla."

Kurt giggles. "So now you're a dragon _and_ a knight? That's confusing. What kind of fairytale is this anyway?"

Puck smiles at him for a moment, but then his smile drops and he moves cautiously towards Kurt. "Are you feeling better?" Kurt nods. "Can I touch you, is that ok?"

Instead of answering, Kurt pulls him in close, wrapping his arms around Puck's waist. "Thank you Noah," he mumbles, face pressed against Puck's chest. After a minute Puck pulls away a little, "Kurt, look at me." Kurt looks up. "I'm sorry."

"Noah, you didn't _do_ anything…"

"That was too fast though. Let's start again, ok?"

Kurt starts to nod, but Puck curls his fingers underneath Kurt's chin to keep him from looking down again and kisses him gently. Kurt lifts himself up onto his toes, leaning into the kiss. After a beat Puck pulls away, smiling, and presses another soft kiss to Kurt's forehead. Kurt grins.

The pair moves back over to the stove and Puck cuts up a few chicken sausages and throws them into the pan with the onions, garlic, and broccoli. Kurt stands behind him and wraps his arms around Puck's waist, resting his head against Puck's back, face turned towards the kitchen door. "Comfortable Princess?" Kurt just nods and closes his eyes.

After a minute, Kurt hears the front door open and a pair of feet making their way towards the kitchen. He cracks open one eye just in time to see Finn appear in the doorway, smiling and humming some tune that Kurt doesn't recognize.

"Good date I assume?"

Finn nods and grins even wider.

"Something else?"

Finn nods again.

"Well?"

"Rachel tied me to the bed and tried to give me a blow job. I freaked out so bad that she practically flew to the other side of the room."

At the same time that Puck turns and exclaims "Dude, too much information," Kurt shrugs and lets go of Puck's waist, turning towards Finn.

Lazily, he sits down at the table and says, "Well, Puck and I were making out, fully clothed, on the couch. He got a hard-on and I freaked out so bad that _I_ practically flew across the room…en route to locking myself in the bathroom."

Finn's face falls and he mutters "Damn!" under his breath.

"Wait," says Puck, turning around to face the two, "is this some kind of twisted sibling rivalry? Are you two boneheads trying to compete for the title of most-fucked-up or something?"

Finn shrugs, making his way over to the stove. "Yeah, I guess. But it's not fair. Kurt always wins."

"That's…disturbing."

"Yeah, well," Finn says, reaching into the saucepot and pulling out a piece of marinara covered sausage, "I think it's kind of disturbing that my little brother was just spooning you wearing only his underwear, but I didn't say anything about that."

Puck rolls his eyes, "That's not even close to being the same thing."

Finn just shrugs again and pops the sausage into his mouth.

"He's gone soft," Kurt explains, once again on his feet, reaching up to pull three plates out of the cabinet. "Earlier today he was trying to defend me from Liz."

Finn nods knowingly and reaches into a drawer, producing three forks. "It's a losing battle you know."

Puck ignores both of them, staying quiet as he pours the sauce over the spaghetti and puts it all in a big bowl in the center of the table. The three boys dig in and are munching quietly until Finn looks warily over at Kurt and Puck, "If you hurt him…"

"He got the memo Finn," Kurt exclaims, "he knows. Somebody will kill him."

Finn nods, satisfied, and goes back to eating. Once the food is gone and all of the dishes are washed and put away, Finn heads downstairs.

"I'm going to set up the game…wanna join me?" P

uck nods and moves to follow but Kurt holds him back. "We'll be there in a sec, ok Finn?"

Finn shrugs and disappears into the basement. Kurt turns to Puck pulls him into a tight hug before pulling back and looking up at him.

"What's up Princess?"

"I just…if you break me Noah, I swear…"

"I know, I know. I'll die."

"No," Kurt sighs and shakes his head and whispers, "I will." Almost instantly he rolls his eyes and scrunches up his face in disgust. "Sorry, that came out all wrong. Too dramatic. But it's true you know. Or…at least it feels that way." Kurt lets go of Puck and gestures outward again, a movement reminiscent of earlier that day. "This, _everything_, feels like it's being held together with Scotch tape and balancing on two bottles of little white pills. I don't know what will happen if something tips."

"Relax Kurt, have you seen my guns?"

Kurt scowls up at Puck, "Noah, I'm being serious."

Puck sighs and runs his hand over his head. "So am I. What I meant was…I got you. I won't let you fall."

Kurt smiles sadly and reaches up, pulling Puck into another kiss. A second later, Finn's voice can be heard coming from downstairs, "You guys better not be making out again! I'm not covering for Puck if Burt comes home and finds you locked in the bathroom Kurt!"

Puck grimaces and Kurt pulls away, yelling back. "We're coming Finn. And…go easy on Noah. He's soft, remember?" and then, as an afterthought, "Besides, he's being perfectly sweet."

Kurt turns to Puck and grabs his hand, pulling him in the direction of the stairs. "Don't worry. Nobody would blame you if I locked myself in the bathroom. Now, come on Noah, let's go shoot some zombies."

Puck shrugs, grinning. "Sure Princess, whatever you want."


End file.
